Sunday, December 25, 2011

I'll Help You Feel Better

Cute little Téa took the photo.

'Tita Anna, I'll help you feel better about losing your best friend. I'll always give you hugs.'

It was a Monday.

I had just come home and saw that Manang Rina, you mom, was in her room. I went in and greeted her. I cannot remember what I did next, but I do know that I ended up next to Gusto on one of the couches in front of the TV. Gusto was watching one of those kiddie cartoons that I always tease him about. Usually, I would bug him to change the channel, but I just let him watch those little ants that have this really screechy voice. I think I fell asleep while Gusto tickled me. You were running all around the house and would occasionally stop to sing a few lines from your favorite song. 

The next thing I knew is that we were all eating dinner. You mom began asking everyone how their day went. I think Téa said something about her ballet. You said something about some classmate or about Kumon. And then I got this sudden urge to just vent and let the hurt out. But before I could say anything, your mom said, 'Anna, you look really tired.' I knew that I was tired. But I had no idea that I looked that drained.

'Manang, I just lost my best friend,' I ended up saying. I try to keep my emotions in and I rarely let others know how I'm actually doing. But I guess the pain was so real that I had to let it out that night. It was as if I had gone through a break up. The only difference between a break up and this is that this hurt more. When you're in a relationship, at the back of your mind you know that it may end one day. When you're in a friendship with a person you call your best friend, you never think that the friendship will end.

Téa didn't really care because she didn't understand what was happening. Gusto was too busy eating. You? You were listening intently while your mom and I were talking. You were trying your best to concentrate on eating your food, but I knew that you were listening to what I had to say. You kept trying to interrupt and ask me questions, but your mom and I kept trying to get you to eat. It was grown up conversation! Kids aren't supposed to listen to that. But you were pretending to eat your food so you could listen to the conversation. Don't worry. I used to do that also.
You couldn't contain yourself anymore. You just had to ask me what was going on. 'Tita Anna, why did you lose your best friend?' you asked me. I tried my best to explain things to you. I know that somehow you really understood what I was saying. I said something like, 'Her boyfriend blah blah blah. Her mom blah blah blah. Her friends blah blah blah. She blah blah blah me. I blah blah blah her. And because of that blah blah blah she said that I hurt her by blah blah blah. And now we both blah blah blah each other,'

I told your mom that after not being able to sleep for two or three nights, I had finally resolved the whole problem in my head. I would just act like I didn't give a damn  care about the issue. I'd just go on with my life. Even if I want to fix and patch things up, when a person already has a preconceived idea about you, whatever you do won't make the person change his or her mind about the matter. When that happens, you either don't give a damn care or you take back what you said and apologize for taking a stand for something that you believe is right. 

If you choose not to care, that means that you choose to end things. You choose not to stoop down to their level and explain your side. Pinapanindigan mo yung sinabi mo. Most people say that those who choose not to care are too proud or are so conceited. No, they are not. Those who choose not to care are those who know that they're just going to waste their time caring about the issue when nothing good will come out of the concern they have for those involved. They realize that it is an endless cycle that will just keep on going on unless they end it.

If you actually choose to give a shit care then there's a huge possibility that you'll remain friends, but that doesn't mean that you'll never disagree again. Come to think of it, this is the second time that I've had a huge disagreement with this person. The thing is, if you choose to give a shit care, things get really complicated. You apologize for what you did just so that you can save the friendship. But do you really mean it when you say you're sorry? If you do, then say it. If you don't mean it, don't apologize. Besides, what will you apologize for? You'll end up saying something like, 'I'm sorry that you blah blah blah your parents. I'm sorry that you blah blah blah your ex or maybe boyfriend. I'm sorry that you blah blah blah me. I'm sorry for blah blah blah you. I'm sorry you're so blah blah blah.' 

Let's just say that I do give a shit care but I don't want to show it because that would make things so complicated so I'd rather just disappear from her world. I guess that this is harder than not caring at all and it's definitely harder than apologizing. What makes it so hard is that I do want to fix this mess, but I don't think that I'm ready to do it now or in the near future. Give me a few years and maybe by then I'll be ready to try and be friends again. I'm trying my best to avoid her because I don't want to do anything that would ruin my chances of trying to patch things up in the future. (Hell, I think we both ruined our chances of ever being friends again. So what makes me think that we'll get through this and be friends again?) Because I was so sad, your mom and dad made me watch The Walking Dead. It did take my mind off my problems.

A few days later, you found me seated on the couch again.' Tita Anna, I'll help you feel better about losing your best friend. I'll always give you hugs,' you told me. I wanted to cry when you said that. You don't know what hurt feels like. You have no idea how it feels to lose a person you've known since the day you were born. You don't know. And yet you still comforted me with your words and with your actions. What you said brought me hope that maybe one day things would work out and the hurt would be replaced with trust and faith and love.

Ada, fight for those friends who are worth it. Say sorry when you can. Show them love as much as possible because I do regret not being there for her. Try your hardest to stay in touch. Never have excuses for them. Always listen to their side. Trust them when they say the truth. Confront them when they're messing up. Whack them on the head when they do stupid things. Stand up for them when others talk behind their back. 

Yes, I do regret losing her.

*Ada, ignore the curses!

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