It's real. 

No, it wasn't a dream that I imagined. Or a nightmare that happened over the span of twenty four hours. It actually happened. And it happened to me. 

I honestly have no idea if this is permanent. Half of me is hoping for some sort of reconciliation. Not closure. Maybe just a chance to get it right this time. One last time. The other half of me is expecting that nothing good will come out of this. That he won't change his mind. That it really is goodbye. That time won't heal all wounds. That we'll be one of those could have been couples. One of those we kinda were but now we're not. But you know, if this is permanent and final, I guess I can't do anything to change his mind. I can't take back anything I did because I did it. I can't take back words because I already said them. I can't. All I can do is live with the fact that I pushed away the person I loved the most. And for that, I blame myself. 

The funny thing is that when things come to an end, I tend to play back everything that happened. And now I'm drowning in my thoughts. And I curse myself saying, "I should have seen the signs." I really should have seen the signs that something was wrong. That maybe we were not really that okay as I thought we were. That maybe I'm too harsh, too needy, too demanding, and too difficult to love. For the first time in my life, I'm blaming myself at a failed attempt at love. 

I'm going to miss him. I'm going to miss how he says schedule. How he believes that you have to put salt and pepper on everything. How he tried his best to watch SHIELD. How he got along with my friends and introduced us to a whole new world of drinking. I'm going to miss his black shirt which I wear to sleep. And his slippers I borrow. I'm going to miss the new recipes we were always trying out. And his love for cheese and pizza. I am going to miss him every time I need to give my cat, Bummie a bath. How he held Bummie even when the stupid cat gave him so many scratches. Bu't more than all that, I'm going to miss the love he so freely gave which I took for granted. 

My head is spinning. I can't think. I'm not even making any sense. 

Fuck. 

2016

Mom died. 

Mom died last January 3, 2016. I still haven't had the time or energy to process the fact that she's gone and never coming back to this earth. We're all dealing with this in our own way. I don't know how my brothers are doing. But I know that Papa and I are dealing with it through silence. Papa rarely doesn't anything productive now. He sleeps. A lot. He watches shows on TV. He stays up late. He eats only when I remind him to. Sometimes I have to force him to. He still doesn't talk. No words. 

I tried for film school.

I tried out for film school and yet I know that after this process of getting accepted, I won't actually be able to pursue this dream. I thought that when mom died I would be able to have and live my own life. I thought I would be able to work or get into film school. Or leave. Or get out of this house. But no. I'm still stuck here caring for Papa. I don't regret it. But I don't exactly love what I'm doing. Get a maid? We have one. Get a caregiver? We have that. So please explain to me the pain I feel when I leave the house to get a job and come home to find Papa sitting on the couch exactly where I left him nine hours before waiting for me to come home and be with him. Explain that. 

So here we are. 

So here we are and I am so confused and unsure. I never thought that I would be this lost. I never thought that I'd lose everything all at once. Because honestly, I've lost both of my parents (mom to cancer and papa to his heart attack) though papa is still alive. I've lost my dreams because I am stuck here doing something I hate for someone I love. And I've lost my drive to. .Well, live. 

Happy New Year.