Thursday, January 21, 2016


Mom died. 

Mom died last January 3, 2016. I still haven't had the time or energy to process the fact that she's gone and never coming back to this earth. We're all dealing with this in our own way. I don't know how my brothers are doing. But I know that Papa and I are dealing with it through silence. Papa rarely doesn't anything productive now. He sleeps. A lot. He watches shows on TV. He stays up late. He eats only when I remind him to. Sometimes I have to force him to. He still doesn't talk. No words. 

I tried for film school.

I tried out for film school and yet I know that after this process of getting accepted, I won't actually be able to pursue this dream. I thought that when mom died I would be able to have and live my own life. I thought I would be able to work or get into film school. Or leave. Or get out of this house. But no. I'm still stuck here caring for Papa. I don't regret it. But I don't exactly love what I'm doing. Get a maid? We have one. Get a caregiver? We have that. So please explain to me the pain I feel when I leave the house to get a job and come home to find Papa sitting on the couch exactly where I left him nine hours before waiting for me to come home and be with him. Explain that. 

So here we are. 

So here we are and I am so confused and unsure. I never thought that I would be this lost. I never thought that I'd lose everything all at once. Because honestly, I've lost both of my parents (mom to cancer and papa to his heart attack) though papa is still alive. I've lost my dreams because I am stuck here doing something I hate for someone I love. And I've lost my drive to. .Well, live. 

Happy New Year.