Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Shakes Head

Conscience:  How's life so far?
Me: You call this life?
Conscience:  College. 
Me: Terrible.

It's so terrible that every time someone asks me if I am enjoying college I want to puke. I see my professors and try to give them the answers they want to hear. All I really want to tell them is that in a few years everything they taught me would have been obsolete already. The dean sees me at least once a week and tells me, "Anna, I am so proud of you." I smile and say thanks. What I really want to say is, "I can't wait to get out of here!" The guards look at me and wonder, "When are you graduating?" I want to tell them I am asking the same question. My parents ask me every week what's going on in college. I give them the same boring answers. Exams. Quizzes. Reports. Walk outs. Drama. My friends tell me that I don't belong in the college I find myself in. I cry on their shoulders and they tell me things will be alright. I want to get out. I am trapped in a prison of uniforms, no hair dye, specific black shoes, curfews, rules and everyhting else you can name that has made my mind go insane. I just need art.

Conscience: You need art. You need art?
Me: Paintings. Words. Colors. People. 
Conscience:  And you don't have that there?
Me: *shakes head*

Dapat kasi nag enroll ka sa non traditional college! And where in the name of Hades would that get me in this country? I am dying because the words here are words that have no more meaning and are just put together to form a sentence to get a grade. The words here are too structured that they have no life in them anymore. Colors are questioned or laughed at. They are viewed as rebellion or defying authority. No colors. People are too caught up with grades, love and little dumb things that clutter up their lives and then consume them.  And I try my best to blend in or fit in, but I can't and they know I won't. I realize that without words and colors and people who also need words and colors, I cannot function. Been stocking up on art books. Spending all my free time online looking for and at art. Reading words and trying to come up with some. Spending more and more time with people who can breathe some life into me.

Conscience: What have you been up to?
Me: Contemplating life.
Conscience:  You confused?
Me: Shut up. Percy Jackson is awesome!

The only thing that made me happy after a long time of feeling nothing was when my parents and I watched Percy Jackson and the Sea of Monsters last Sunday. I had to drag my parents to watch it with me because my friends are not into this Greek mythology thing. Yes, I have weird and sad friends. Anyway, I was so happy that I didn't even let it bother me that there were noisy children in the theater. Fine. So the movie wasn't as exciting as the book, but it was a lot better than the first Percy Jackson movie. Thank heavens! I wanna watch it again, but I don't wanna watch it alone. So I just might bribe some people to watch it with me. I am that desperate.

Conscience: Uhm. .
Me: And to make myself happier I decided to go minimalist.
Conscience: Will you shut up about it?
Me: No. Talking about it helps me convince myself that it's the right thing to do.

 Basically, I haven't started cleaning out my closet and giving or throwing most of my things away. I don't really live where all my things are. So am planning to get rid of tons of stuff this weekend. I've been checking out tons of blogs to see if I'm on the right path. Seems that I am. I told some of my friends what am up to and they all said that if I was throwing away my books, they want them. Parents don't really care. Me? Am so excited. Maybe by going minimalist I'll forget how terrible college is right now.