Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Live With It

This is for that ophthalmologist who saw me last week.

I came into your clinic hoping to get a pair of glasses or contacts to replace the ones I broke. You led me into a small room and made me read stuff on the board. I could read everything clearly, but I kept reminding you that I had no grade and only had astigmatism. After you checked my eyes you told me, "You don't have a grade or astigmatism." You said it in a way that sounded like you were accusing me of lying. That was when I had to explain to you that I have optic neuritis. Some days I'll have a grade. Some days I'll have astigmatism. Some days I'll see well. Some days I won't see at all. And one day, people must find a cure to this.

While I was thinking about how doctors have not found a cure for this yet, you said, "There is nothing I can do for you but pity you." I nodded my head and forced a smile. But really, I don't need your pity or your sad looks. I don't really need a cure for this or someone to tell me that it will get better in the future. Am used to taking painkillers, throwing up and sleeping off the pain. Am used to not eating seafood, chocolates, chicken, peanuts and anything else that might make this sickness worse. Am used to the headaches and tunnel vision and the dizzyness. You are not obliged to do or feel anything for me.

What irritates me however is that you told me to just live with it. You said, "Just live with it then." Isn't that what I already am doing? I have stopped hoping that some type of medicine will be invented to regulate the pain. I have stopped wishing that some other person had this instead of me. I have stopped dreaming of a day when my head will stop throbbing. I have also stopped praying to God to heal me. Don't tell me to just live with it. I don't want to hear that from you. I don't want to hear anything from you.

See, I've heard this all before. You're not the first ophthalmologist or doctor or neurologist who has told me that there is nothing you can do for me. I know the lines. I know the spiels. I know you're just doing your job when you tell me these things. But I don't need to be reminded that I've got to live with this. As much as possible I just try to block it out of my mind so I can concentrate on living life.



Monday, November 4, 2013

First Semester Craziness


Was this really a Rizal class? Or was it something else? Every meeting, we would have about one hour to discuss current events. After discussing the news, that was the only time the professor would talk about Rizal and his life. The only thing I picked up from this class was that Rizal is our hero and he loved the Philippines so very much. I never really bothered to understand this class because it was frustrating to have to listen to the professor go on and on about whatever the hell he was talking about. I made it a point to show up for this class and at least not get on the nerves of the professor. I guess that strategy worked in my favor. I pity all the other students who have to take this class under that professor. 


I hate acting. I hate Acting. I hate the act. And I hate the subject. The real title of this subject is Acting and Directing. I was looking forward to it because I thought, "Hey! After this class I'll know how to boss people around more effectively and efficiently." But no. For one whole semester, we had to do acting activities, memorize Shakespeare lines and learn how to act on our own. On our own? Yes. I thought that the professor would teach us how to act and give us pointers. What he gave us were techniques, but i don't think those techniques taught me how to act. Sure, I knew my lines and cues, but I don't think I can act. Something has to be done for this subject to be relevant to Media Production students. In fairness to the professor, he told us on the first day of class that he did not know why we needed this subject. Really, it was a waste of time and saliva.


Holy mother of God. I think my brain is not wired to ever understand Management (and Marketing). I would get so bored. Most of the time, I would end up text messaging my friends and talking about something funny with Mica. We had exactly one quiz and weird exams. I would find any excuse to skip this class. I am off to Baguio. I am sick. I have a wedding to attend. I just did not feel like it. I guess one day, I'll look back and be like, "I wish I had listened to the professor in my Management class." I really don't know if I should blame the professor, the time of the subject, myself or other factors for being so lazy in this class. 

Corporate Communication 

I actually appreciated this class. At first it seemed that we weren't doing anything, but when the semester wore on, I finally got the hang of how the professor would teach the class. This class showed me that public relations is so important and it's pretty fun. Although I do not really want to go into public relations, it's nice to know that if I can't make it big elsewhere, I can get into this kind of work. Funny thing is that when the block had their finals, I was sick. So during the first week of my semestral break, I was slaving away making a campaign that the professor would grade. After submitting it, the professor tells me, "Actually, I already graded you even without your final paper. So this paper better be good." Crap. It's easier to work to get a grade than to work to prove you deserve the given grade. 

Cross Cultural Literature

This class was a class I wanted to love but ended up hating. I love reading and I love books. I was expecting that this class would be one of those classes which I would dream about and never want to miss. The day this class started, I was wishing the semester would end already. Instead of focusing on the themes of the different novels and how they are relevant to us, I had to memorize tons of names of almost all the characters and places in the given reading material. Like what the hell. I totally flunked all the quizzes and almost failed the exam. I think this class could have been better. Am glad this is over. 


About 80% of the tine, my brain was somewhere else during this class. Maybe it was because the class started at 2pm. Or maybe it was because I found the subject totally boring. Or because Mica was my seatmate and we would just laugh the whole time. What I liked about this class was its consistency. Vera was our professor and from the first day she set the rules. We had to shut up. We would finish one chapter of the book in two meetings. We would have quizzes on the third meeting. Consistent. Yes, I loved its consistency however there were days when it was rather dragging. We rarely had any activities (unless you consider PANA and selling stuff an activity). The only reason I got through this class was because of coffee and tons of laughter. My final grade? Let's just say that I am glad I passed this subject because I do not want to repeat this ever again.

Audio Arts

In this class, there were eight of us who were not part of the block. We called ourselves The Irregulars. This class stressed me out! Sure, it was just once a week on a Wednesday morning, but since almost everything was group work, it was hard to find time to meet the group. We would cut classes, stay after classes and find ways to meet as a group just to finish our projects. Although I cannot say that the people in The Irregulars became my friends, they were super fun to be with and we could talk about things I couldn't talk about with other people. The professor? I liked him because he was blunt. He would give us practical advise. He told us that there would only be a handful of us who would make it big. He said it would be hard to be a girl in the media. He said to stand up for ourselves. He's a good professor. He's real. I actually enjoyed this class a lot. Can we do this again?


I would like to forget that this class ever happened. Why? Let me explain. I took ballet for eight years. I did all sorts of other dance during grade-school and high-school. I had to stop because of my Optic Neuritis. So when I had to walk out in the middle of my final exam which was a dance, I totally broke down. Seriously? I took ballet for eight years! I did all sorts of dance for years! And then I couldn't dance! What the hell is wrong with me?! I would force myself to go to this class because after two hours of dance class, I would go home with a massive headache and throw up for hours. Instead of trying to present a doctor's certificate to get out of this class, I would show up week after week. This class just made me realize how sick I actually am and how I really cannot force myself to dance anymore. It saddens me that I cannot do what others can do with their bodies. Yet it also reminds me to take all my medicines and try my best to stay alive. 

Video Production

7:45am class. Who goes to a class that early? No one. In this class all we did was produce videos. The professor rarely gave lectures and when he did, we would watch videos of how to make videos. Am trying to think of what I actually learned from this one. After making about three videos for this class, I realized that it is hard to operate without a budget. It also is hard to produce anything when you don't believe in what you're doing. Maybe the coolest thing that happened in this class was that I got to watch several short films at CSB. Another cool thing was when the professor said that he used to be a missionary and bring the Jesus film to the provinces.

Audio Visual Presentation 2 

This is interesting. Our original professor gave us so many free cuts. When we actually had a class, she wouldn't teach us anything at all, but would require us to do really hard things. For mid terms, Char and I had to ask a friend to help us make a one minute video on some animation program. We were so desperate already. I was so desperate already. After the mid terms, we found out that someone else was taking over the class. I really don't care what happened to the original professor and I really hope that no school gets her to be a professor again. Yes, that's how much I dislike her. See, this class could have been fun! If someone taught this subject well, I would be able to edit better, animate, make websites and do that sort of shit you pay people to do for you. Oh well. Disappointing.

Overall this semester was such a hassle for me. What made it worse was that I had ten subjects and thirty (or twenty nine) units to contend with. Either my body is now so messed up or my school load was the culprit. I have no idea if it's because of my thyroid problems or my Optic Neuritis, but if I did not get eight hours of sleep at night, I felt that I had not gotten any sleep at all. There were days I would have to ask someone to walk to me school and back home because of my attacks. I would go home during my breaks to sleep and to pop some pills into my mouth. My attacks have gotten worse and have been happening more often. Am really glad that I have gotten through this semester. More semesters to go! Hopeful without the pain that this Optic Neuritis brings. Pretty happy that I did not fail any subject and that things are going as planned.