Monday, May 2, 2016

It's real. 

No, it wasn't a dream that I imagined. Or a nightmare that happened over the span of twenty four hours. It actually happened. And it happened to me. 

I honestly have no idea if this is permanent. Half of me is hoping for some sort of reconciliation. Not closure. Maybe just a chance to get it right this time. One last time. The other half of me is expecting that nothing good will come out of this. That he won't change his mind. That it really is goodbye. That time won't heal all wounds. That we'll be one of those could have been couples. One of those we kinda were but now we're not. But you know, if this is permanent and final, I guess I can't do anything to change his mind. I can't take back anything I did because I did it. I can't take back words because I already said them. I can't. All I can do is live with the fact that I pushed away the person I loved the most. And for that, I blame myself. 

The funny thing is that when things come to an end, I tend to play back everything that happened. And now I'm drowning in my thoughts. And I curse myself saying, "I should have seen the signs." I really should have seen the signs that something was wrong. That maybe we were not really that okay as I thought we were. That maybe I'm too harsh, too needy, too demanding, and too difficult to love. For the first time in my life, I'm blaming myself at a failed attempt at love. 

I'm going to miss him. I'm going to miss how he says schedule. How he believes that you have to put salt and pepper on everything. How he tried his best to watch SHIELD. How he got along with my friends and introduced us to a whole new world of drinking. I'm going to miss his black shirt which I wear to sleep. And his slippers I borrow. I'm going to miss the new recipes we were always trying out. And his love for cheese and pizza. I am going to miss him every time I need to give my cat, Bummie a bath. How he held Bummie even when the stupid cat gave him so many scratches. Bu't more than all that, I'm going to miss the love he so freely gave which I took for granted. 

My head is spinning. I can't think. I'm not even making any sense.