The conversation began with him asking me a loaded question.
'Are you happy for me?' he asked.
My mind froze for a few seconds. In those few seconds, I had thought of an answer which was not exactly the truth but which was not exactly a lie either. It was somewhere in between truth and falseness. Maybe you can say that I gave that answer to try to convince myself that I actually believed in the words that came out of my mouth. In fact, I believed in the words of The Click Five song that goes, 'If I say it like I mean it then maybe I'll believe it like it's true.' Screw that belief.
'Am courting her already!' he exclaimed.
I had dreaded the time that sentence would leave his lips. And it had finally happened. My whole face was smiling, but something in me was scowling the biggest scowl which no one would ever see because I would never show them. And then that sinking feeling came over me. At that time, I refused to admit that it was regret, but I think that that was exactly what it was: Regret. It was regret in its purest and undiluted form. It was regret because he had asked me out before and I casually turned him down.
It was the most perfect form of jealousy which could make a person plan evil plans and think evil thoughts. It was the jealousy that had so many questions. Who was this girl that could just make him so brave to ask her out? What was so great about her anyway? When the hell did this all start? Why did I not see this coming? So how did this all happen? Please. I need details.
It was blame. It was the worst kind of blame because I had no one else to accuse except myself. I knew exactly what my friends would say when I finally mustered the courage to say that he and I would never end up together. They would say, 'Why did you not tell him that you liked him?' It would always be my fault. And I would just have to live with the fact that I was the one to be blamed. What a shitty feeling.
'So Anna, you gotta be happy for me!'
How can I be happy for him while he is fooling around with some girl and all I want to do is keep him to myself? Those people who say that they are happy as long as the person they love is happy are just fooling themselves! You can only be happy if you share in the person's happiness. I did not. While he was happy, I was plain angry. So maybe it is true when they say that a person's happiness is always at the expense of another person.
I had a choice. I could say that I was so happy that he finally was courting her just to end the disheartening conversation. Or I could say that I was not happy at all for him which would eventually lead to him asking why. Thus prolonging the conversation on a topic I hated. Both answers were true. Both answers were false. Both answers were doubtful.
'Yeah, am happy for you!' I answered.
That was the end of the conversation.
Friday, December 7, 2012
I just want to say thanks.
I want to show my gratitude to all those people who have not been there for me when I needed them the most. They were either too busy with school, homework, their boyfriend or girlfriend, their dead pet or some random crap of an excuse. Other times, those people were not busy at all but just found a reason to be busy as soon as I said, 'Hey, I really need to cry right now. Care to listen?' Their reasons ranged from hilarious to downright outrageous sometimes. More often than not, I did not give a damn to point out that I knew they were lying to my face. I mean, why bother? Why force them to listen to my random vents and rants anyway?
So I thank you for allowing me to experience crying myself to sleep which just happens to be so overrated. Oh yes, I have also tried running out of a classroom and into a toilet just to cry because I knew no one for one whole semester. (Fine, I knew exactly one person.) I have climbed up on the roof of the house which overlooks a major highway and with tears streaming down my face, I yelled into the street which contained cars whose windows were shut tight. The hilarious thing was, you may not have heard my cry, but you saw it and did nothing.
Let me remind you of those times when we actually met up, but you never gave me time to bring up what was bothering me. Yes, you kept asking me and begging me to tell you how my life was. I could not even get my sentence finished for you kept butting in with a story about your sisters, how to make awesome tasting cupcakes, explanations of why your band is hot and on and on and on. So for so many long hours, I shut up and listened to you and your own travails. Not that I was unhappy listening to your triumphs and failures, but once in a blue moon, could you by any chance listen to mine?
Thank you for making me look like a good friend. They say that in any kind of relationship, there is always someone who does more than the other. Well, sometimes can you be that someone who does more than the other? It's getting really tiring to always pay for your food, check your essays for class, go all the way to where you live while you never come out to where I am staying and just going the extra mile. It seems that without the effort I have been putting into this messed up relationship of ours, it would just crumble and fall. Maybe one day I should let it.
And yet I also recognize the fact that you have made me stronger. Without all the crap you have been giving me, you made me realize that the saying, 'No man is an island' may actually be false in some ways. You made me come to the realization that I do not need you or anyone else to survive. I do not need a person to see me cry, hear me cry, dry my tears and pat my back while saying, 'You'll make it through this really horrible professor you have in class.' Because of you, the little things have stopped bothering me so much. I have become my own person who does not necessarily depend on other people for her own happiness. I have found out that I do not need to vent to others so that my own problems can be solved. I can do it by myself.
Also, you made me find friends in low places. I found people I did not think would be there for me when I needed someone terribly. I never thought I would be friends with a person who did not enjoy the things I enjoyed, but I am friends with a person like that. Your never being there provoked me to seek out new people and new adventures that would not have happened if you did not always abandon me. I have learned a little more Filipino (Tagalog) by interacting more with people who are not so fluent in english. I have gone around Manila by taking public transportation which would not have happened if you were around. Thank you for making this happen!
So although I thought I needed you during my hard times, I was wrong. The only thing I needed was for you to walk in and out of my life in order for things to fall into place. I just had to lack some people in my life for more people to come along, not to fill the void but to make the void look so small that it did not matter any more.
And for all of the consequences, good and bad, that our friendship caused, I thank you.