It could have been better.
I don't want to say that this Christmas was a sad one. Neither do I want to say that this Christmas was a happy and an exciting one. It was somewhere in between. It was as if Christmas decided that it would fool the crap out of me and my family. Like it was playing tricks on us and we had no choice but to play along and endure the tricks that were being thrown at us.
The day before Christmas, we found ourselves crying at church for Hannah Bea. She is my older sister who passed away. I thought that mom and papa were over it already. I guess it's true when people say that you never get over death, but you just try your best to forget about it ever happening. Although I never knew Hannah Bea, I felt extremely sad seeing my parents cry for her. I was thinking, 'If she didn't die, mom and papa wouldn't have had me. I'm only here because she's dead.' In a way, I am on this earth to try and replace the sadness my parents felt when they lost her. That thought just made me break down in tears.
Although knowing that I am here because someone died just so I could lives does make me feel a wee bit guilty, it also makes me feel so freaking annoyed. I know that I should be thankful for the fact that I am n a good and amazing family, but the truth is it gets rather annoying when I think about the fact that I am just here because Hanna Bea didn't make it. Like although they wanted me, they wanted me after they lost Hannah Bea. So technically, I was still an afterthought. A fallback. A rebound. A plan B.
If I could talk to Hanna Bea, I'd be like, 'Thank you for being the reason I am in this world, but couldn't you have done something so that this situation didn't suck as much?' I don't blame my parents for wanting another kid when Hanna Bea died. And yet somehow I hate the thought that they just had me because their Plan A failed. My reasons to be sad may be so few but they quickly make me cry and forget about my reasons to be happy about being a Plan B kid. I am so selfish and jealous and I know it.
When we got home from church, I realized that some person had given me a gift. I had already gotten a Christmas gift for this person, yet I didn't really want to give it to the person after what the person did to me during the first week of December. I wrapped the gift for this person and had put it in a box so that I would forget that I had gotten this person a gift. And then just when I decided not to give, the person decides to leave a gift for me. My dad held out the package for me. I got it from him and dropped it on the living room floor.
The thing that sucked the most was that the sermon in church had been about loving those people we deem unlovable. I remember telling God, 'Why do you have to rub it in my face?' It made me feel so guilty for not giving the person the gift I had already prepared. I felt so bad because even though I wanted to patch things up, I knew that I was just doing it because of the gift the person gave me. I quickly told myself to suck it up and not let little gifts make me feel so bad about myself.
The gift stayed unopened for days. Papa kept on asking me if I was ever going to open the gift. I would shrug my shoulders and roll my eyes each time he asked me that stupid question. I had no intentions of opening the gift. Sure, I was curious about what was inside. Mom finally opened the gift for me. It was really cute and I really wanted to wear the thing the person gave. But then, I told mom, 'Get that thing away from me. I don't want to see it.' She left the gift on one of our tables and I am forced to see it every day. Makes me remember that someone wants me to be the one to apologize for something the person brought upon himself or herself. I am not that stupid anymore.
Christmas eve is another hilarious story. I cannot remember what I did that Friday night. It must have been stupid because I cannot remember it. All I know is that I stayed up so late. Maybe I was baking Nutella cookies again or maybe I was busy messaging and chatting with some guy friend. And then I woke up pretty early Saturday morning. So by Saturday night, I was so sleepy. Usually, nothing great happens on Christmas eve. We just stay at home and it's a pretty normal night. I think.
And then mom decided to make some Christmas eve dinner that should have tasted pretty good. See, she rang the dinner bell and we all came to the table. I checked out the food which looked awesome, but I went straight to the refrigerator to get my peaches and cream. My parents asked me what was wrong. And I was like, 'I am so tired. I need to sleep.' They just told me to go to my room and sleep. So much for that awesome looking dinner mom prepared.
Oh wait. I now remember why I was so tired and sleepy. Remember I cried pretty hard that morning? When I cry, I get really sleep after. And then I had just gotten my menstruation so that put me in a really bad mood. The last thing I remember doing is pulling up my blanket and hugging my pillow. The hilarious thing is that I had a dream about CSI and that I was investigating the gift that some person gave me. I also kept waking up because it was cold and I had to pee.
Christmas day wasn't that bad, but I knew that I wasn't in the mood for it. Instead of mom preparing the usual Christmas breakfast, she was busy cooking food for the family. I woke up to the smell of ham and baked chicken. I also woke up to the sound of those carolers. Yes, I got out of bed and positioned myse,f next to our window just so that I could hand the carolers their Php5 and a handful of candies. I will never understand why my dad chooses to hear their songs and deal with their irritating 'Namamasko po' lines when he can just hand them goodies.
By the time we got to Lolo's house, I had already almost forgotten that this was the first time in seven years that I was alone for Christmas. And then some tita just had to remind me about it by asking, 'May boyfriend ka na, Anna?' The nice Anna did the right thing and shook her head while she smiled. The bad Anna wanted to snap back at her and say, 'Not now. You got a problem with that?' Later that night, I would tell my friend that it was a weird feeling and that I wasn't sure I'd like that feeling of being alone to be repeated next year.
Ever since last year, the Fernandez family meets for New Year instead of Christmas. We're too many and it costs too much to have two reunions in a span of one week. So after the reunion with papa's family, we headed back home. I guess the feeling of being tired was setting in and we all just snapped. I wanted to go to Ayala Triangle to see the lights. Mom didn't want. Papa didn't care. I went to sleep annoyed.
To make up for Christmas day, mom decided that she was in the mood to go to Ayala Triangle to see the lights. After watching the light show, I was like, 'This wasn't even worth it.' The lights were pretty, but if you didn't get to see it, it's not a big deal. And that's when I said, 'So what's the big deal about this Christmas?' What made this Christmas different from any other Christmas I've had?
I think that even though this Christmas was so messed up it was so meaningful on all levels. This Christmas was really spent with family and not with friends and those random people I hang out with when I get lonely. This Christmas I learned how to appreciate the friendships that have lasted and that are growing. I remembered to give thanks even if I was a plan B. I made up my mind never to rely on a special someone for my own happiness and my own security. And then I realized that this Christmas was perfect laugh. At least it was funny for me.
Christmas played tricks on me and tried to get me really sad and annoyed. It worked. But after all the mess it created, I realized that Christmas had just taught me one thing and I still won against all its tricks against me. Christmas taught me to laugh at all the crap that keeps on getting thrown in my way. I'm a replacement? How hilarious because I now cannot be replaced. I'm a liar but you gave me a gift? How hilarious because ang labo mo! Having to sleep early while everyone else is stressing over Christmas? How hilarious at least I'll look well rested in my Christmas photos. I'm single this Christmas? How hilarious because I don't have to put up with the drama of you're-not-with-me-this-Christmas. I didn't get to see the Ayala Triangle lights on the day I wanted to? How hilarious because they weren't even worth it.
Yes, I had a hilarious Christmas.