Monday, March 12, 2012

Saying Sorry

Why would I say sorry for something that I really intended to do?

So I did something wrong this morning. Someone was checking my photography portfolio and I totally freaked out. I do not appreciate it when people look at my personal belongings without asking for permission. If the person had asked me if he could check it out, I would have either said yes or told him no. But the person did not ask if he could mess around with my photography portfolio. Though there is nothing in that portfolio that needs to remain a secret, I just really hate it when people do not respect my privacy. And so when I caught the person looking at my portfolio, I yelled, 'You did not ask my permission!'

Now, what I find funny is that when I say that very same statement to children, they do not take offense. It's as if they need to hear that statement. And when you tell them that, they will immediately say, 'May I borrow?' Or something like that. Yet when you yell that exact statement to adults or people who are older than you, they automatically think that you are being rude. Like no one can tell a person who is older than them that they need permission to access things that do not belong to them. I am just going to say that there is a double standard. And it is annoying.

Let us just say that the person who was offended was the one who claimed that what I did was wrong. Okay, so it was wrong for him. But does that mean that it was really wrong? Because in my brain, I tried rephrasing the statement to something like, 'I would really appreciate it if you asked my permission the next time you want to mess around with my things.' Who the hell am I kidding? It means the exact same thing but it just has more words. Or maybe I should have said something like, 'I do not mess around with your things. So please do not mess around with mine.' Yikes! That sounds even more disrespectful.

So what do you do? Do you just let the person get away with it? Do you tell the person  off but make him angry in the process? Either way, there are consequences. If you let the person get away with it, it will happen again and again and again. Each time it happens, you will get more and more pissed. And I am sure that one day you will get so fed up that you will end up telling the person off. But then, if you tell the person off, the person will really be offended. The relationship you have with the person will be strained for a few days or weeks or months or even years. 

Obviously I told the person off. The person got really angry with me and I was so annoyed. Why was I annoyed? Well, this has happened so many times before and I have taken the blame every single time. In the past, I have been the one who apologized, who let things go, who was so totally patient and way too understanding. It sucks. It sucks big time. I mean, he's older than me by forty plus year and I'm the one who has to understand him. What?! I thought it was always the adult who had to understand the child?

I forgot all about that incident and went to school to get my clearance done. Apparently, I had to have my personality test interpreted by the guidance counselor. The funny thing was that everything that came out in the tests were things that I already knew. I scored 99% in independence which means that I crave for it. When the guidance counselor asked me why I craved for independence, I said something like, 'I do not really get along with my parents.' She laughed at that and told me that I must try my best to get along with them since I was the one who knew that there was something wrong with our relationship. I nodded my head and smiled. The session ended, I walked back home to the house in Makati and made up my mind to start making an effort to get things right with my parents.

Do not get me wrong. I have awesome parents, but there are times when we just do not get along. I guess sometimes saying sorry or apologizing for something means doing it even if you do not feel like it or want to do it. I guess along with apologizing comes humility. It takes a lot of guts to apologize for something that you think was right. It takes so much will power to say sorry with sincerity especially if you really intended to do what you did or say what you said. Sometimes saying sorry means saying, Okay, I do not really think that you were right or that I was wrong. But since I love you and need you in my life, I will say that it was my fault.'

So, I am sorry that I was rude to you today. I did not mean to get you so angry over what I said. I just wanted to point out to you that I do not appreciate it when you pry into my personal belongings without asking me. It does not mean that I will not show you my photography portfolio. It just means that I find it more awesome when you ask permission to see my things. I am sorry that I ruined your day and that I did not apologize right away. Yes, I am not that humble yet. But I will get there one day. Just please put up with me and my insanity. And hopefully one day we don't resort to yelling and shouting and walking out on each other when hurtful things are said. 

Sorry, you've got an awful daughter.

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