Friday, January 13, 2012


I'd just like to remind you how exhausted I am.

I first met Exhaustion when I was a little kid who forgot to take her nap. I'd end up so exhausted and grumpy. I learned never to miss my naps. My next encounter with Exhaustion was in grade school when I stayed up to review for some religion exam the next day. I later learned that that wasn't really Exhaustion. That was just called cramming. The next time I met Exhaustion was when we had to practice everyday for a concert I was dancing in. I know that I had to go to dance practice after school and then dance until twelve midnight. But that's nothing compared to the Exhaustion I feel.

To be exhausted means to be drained of one's physical or mental resources. It means to be very tired. Being exhausted is when you feel so used up. It's is when you are worn out, when you are weary, when you are dead tired or bone tired. Are you ready to drop? Are so totally drained? Are you fatigued? Or are you enervated? Well, I've got news for you. I literally embody the whole essence of being exhausted. I live and breathe exhaustion. Not being exhausted is something that is almost a sin. And just when I think that I can get rid of it, it comes running after me. I have no choice but to give in instead of fighting it and fighting for my rest. I give in because I am too weak to fight it.


What's the use of fighting it anyway? Exhaustion is stronger than me and has a greater hold on me than rest and peace and solitude. Fighting for my leisure would mean using up all strength to get something I know won't be given to me. What's worse is that I would have to beg and demand for rest from Exhaustion who does not believe in Rest at all. I'd just waste my time bargaining and demanding for something that will never be mine anyway. Besides, I've already forgotten how it feels not be caught up with Exhaustion.

So how did Exhaustion take its place in me? It took root in me when I started living in the city on weekdays and living in the country on weekends. My week begins on a Monday. It begins at exactly 4:30AM when I am woken up to get ready to leave for the city. At 5AM, I am in the car, listening to some loud music, drinking some juice and wishing that I didn't have to get up so early. But then, if I don't get up early and leave for the city, I'd end up late for my first class at 9AM. As soon as I get to the house in the city, I eat breakfast and try to get a nap. Yet it's too late for naps to take effect and I spend the rest of the day like a living zombie. I ruin my whole week by starting it on the wrong foot on Mondays.

My week is packed! During the week, I'm in school, having pictures printed for photography class, running around the playground with three kids, going places with the family and attending discipleship group. I spend hours doing reports, projects and the never ending homework. I'm a student during class hours. I'm a sister (or a sister in law) who ends up ranting to my brother's wife. I'm a friend to those people who constantly bug me during the week at odd hours. I'm a tita to three little kids who love me way too much.  

I leave the city for the country every Friday. The traffic is insane! If I leave the city at 5:30PM, I get home about two hours later. By the time the weekend comes, all I really want to do is sleep and forget about homework for at least one day. But no. I cannot do that because Exhaustion tricks me into believing that I need to visit the gym and work out. Let me just point out that I am twelve pounds underweight, I don't eat rice and I've recently become vegan. You can argue with me about diets and exercise, but the truth is, I look great and I don't need the gym. On Sundays, you'll find me in church at the city. So many people have asked me why I still go home to the country when I spend more time in the city. Don't ask me. As soon as I get back to the country after church on Sundays, I feel like passing out from fatigue. But then, my brain reminds me that I still have more school related things to do. 

And then the week starts again. It's a stupid cycle that won't stop. Don't tell me to manage my time well because I do. Don't tell me to do my homework in advance because I do that. Don't tell me that I make myself exhausted because I don't. Don't give that crap. I've tried my best to get rid of Exhaustion. I've fought my mom so many times already. I've tried to reason with my dad. It seems that the only people who agree with me about the effects of Exhaustion on me are my brothers and my friends. Maybe they understand how exhausted I actually am because they see me everyday and see the drained look on my face. My friends know because I rant about it non stop. 

Is there anything I can do about this thing called Exhaustion? I dunno. The parents have this brilliant plan of moving to the city this year. They claim that by moving to the city I wouldn't be that tired anymore. Moving to the city would mean that going to church would be a lot easier. And I wouldn't have to wake up at 4:30AM every Monday. I'm supposed to take a break from going to the gym, but I know that I won't hear the end of it from my mom. I dunno if it's better to just continue going to the gym despite the tiredness I feel. I've left Kumon and said that I'd just go back when I feel like it. I guess Exhaustion just catches me off guard during the long and early trek every Monday morning to the city. 

So I wish some people would understand me when I say that I am so exhausted. Instead of yelling and trying to get me to do things that I have no interest in, I wish they'd put themselves in my shoes for at least a day. Try to wake up every day at around 5:30AM and go to sleep at 11PM or 12midnight. Try to stay awake in class when you've only got four or five hours of sleep. Try to act like you're interested in a conversation when all you really want to do is tell the person to shut up because nothing he says is making its way to your head. Try walking in the heat and running across the street. Try to spend your time attending to your cookie business and then getting bugged to attend to something else. Try to be a good tita to three little kids who just want to play and talk to you the whole day. Try it before you open your mouth to say that I am being irresponsible. Try it before you judge me.

Honestly, naaawa na ako sa sarili ko.

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