Conscience: 'You lost her.'
Me: 'And your point?'
Conscience: 'Your failure.'
Me: 'And then?'
I have been laughing about this for the past three weeks. And then I started some serious crying last Sunday. It still pains me each time I am reminded that I lost her, but it is comforting to know that this was not my choice. I am just suffering from the effects of her decision. Though it pains me a whole lot to walk away and let things be, I am doing it because it's such a waste of time to fix things when the other person has just given up on the friendship, on me and on herself. I have no idea if we will one day find the courage to speak about this or even try to fix what should be fixed. Even if she fixed it by ending things, nothing is really fixed. It's still there. And will always be there. At least until one of us wants to talk about it.
It's hilarious how someone can make such an impact in your life. And you only realize that they played such a big part when they are gone or when they aren't there to listen to you. Now that she's gone, I cannot believe how much of myself I shared with her. Maybe that's why I find this situation so funny. I expect relationships to end, but I always expect friendships to last. Seems that you put more effort into a friendship than a relationship. When it's a relationship, there's always this this-is-just-a-guy/girl-and-i-can-always-dump-the-person. But when it's a friendship, it's hard to just walk away because no one can ever replace that person.
And now that she's gone, I do regret some things. But what's the use? It's over.
Conscience: 'You turned him down.'
Me: 'My choice. My loss.'
Conscience: 'I don't get it.'
Me: 'No one has to get it.'
A friend called me up right after he heard that I turned down some guy. And he was like, 'Anna, why'd you turn him down?' I said this, 'When I was in and out of relationships for seven years, you guys hated it. Now that I turned down a guy, you freak out. What do you want me to do?' I won't like and say that I didn't get sad over this. I did. I was ranting about this for a week.But the hell, it's my fault I turned him down and I have no right to be sad over it. He's a nice guy. We've been chatting everyday for over a year now. We've been friends for around two years. We share the same faith. We're good. But I still said no.
So why did I say no? I said no because I cannot deal with a long distance relationship. I'd rather not be in a relationship than be in a long distance kind of relationship. He's there. I'm here. He's here. I'm there. Will not totally work for me! I cannot fully explain why I do not give a damn about long distance relationships, but I just don't. I don't believe in them. I don't support them. I don't believe that they work.
Conscience: 'You like him.'
Me: 'We tried. It did not work out.'
Conscience: 'It was awkward.'
Me: 'I don't love him anymore. I just care about him.'
I saw my ex again after like a year or so of not being able to hang out with him. I cannot believe that it's been four years since that relationship. That one ended really badly, but then we parched things up and became friends again two years ago. I became really good friends with his siblings. And things were going well. In fact, we would text message each other and call. We became really good friends.The awkward thing is that I had to spend a day with him. I think I find it so awkward now because he has a girlfriend.
One thing I realized? You may not love each other anymore, but you still have the same amount of affection and care for the person.