Expectation. Reality.

Expectation: Parents will want to spend time with me on the weekend since we rarely see each other during the week.
Reality: Parents pick me up from my brother's house and hurry home because they have other things to do. When we get home, they do their thing and I do my thing. The next day, as a family, we spend so much time in church. By the time we have the day to ourselves, we're all tired and I have to go back to my brother's house. So much for wanting to spend time with them.

Expectation: Church is a place where people are welcoming and loving and oh so awesome.
Reality: I have never felt so alone in my whole life!  It has been more than one freaking year and I still am surrounded by strangers every Sunday. I have gone out of my way to make friends, but they stick to their little world. Impossible.

Expectation: Friends will be there for you and with you.
Reality: They will be there for you when they have the time and energy. They will be with you only if you live close to each other. Schedules get busy. Money gets tight. Life happens. You get through problems on your own.

Expectation: Childhood friends will be friends forever and ever.
Reality: Shit happens! You end up acting civil when you see each other in parties, bump into each other at the mall or accidentally 'like' their status or photo on Facebook.

Expectation: College is an awesome experience that I will enjoy and treasure for the rest of my life.
Reality:  As soon as I make it to college, I cannot wait to run out of the college building. The only thing that keeps me motivated to go through with college is the knowledge that my parents will disown me if I do not graduate. Cannot wait to get this over with. Seriously.

Expectation: Media Production is the most awesome course ever!
Reality: Media Production is the most awesome. All we ever do is stay up late shooting videos, editing videos, doing voice overs, making PSA's, watching movies, writing scripts and doing all that crap. Our diet consists of coffee and fast-food. Our brains are working even when we're sleeping. 

Expectation: Bookstores will have all the books I want when I want them.
Reality: Walked to around all the malls in Makati looking for a certain book I have been wanting to buy. Wasted around one hour running all around and asking those people in the bookstore if they had that certain book. They did not have the book The Fault in Our Stars. Never really thought that the day would come when a bookstore would disappoint me. 
 
Expectation: Professors will teach me things I need to know.
Reality: Professors have me searching for answers to random questions they ask. Most of the time, they teach me 10% of the things I will need for the future. Sheesh.

Expectation: Community will be more awesome during its fourth season.
Reality: No one is really sure how they feel about the first episode or the fourth season. The plot is so screwed up. The characters are not themselves. It's too weird. It's too different. It's new.

Expectation: Writing will be easy! Writing will make me famous! Writing will be my profession!
Reality: Writing is not that easy. Writing will not make me famous. Writing may not be my profession. Writing may not even be for me at all.  

Expectation: I will be out of college by the time I am twenty years old.
Reality: Got into college when I was seventeen years old because I took grade seven. And then transferred into another college. So now, I will be out of college by the time I am twenty-two. I hate this thing called time. 

Expectation: Love. Love. Love.
Reality: Friend-zoned.  
  

Looking Back: 2012

January

My year started out with tons of sky lanterns and a handful of hope that 2012 would turn out alright. I was in dire need of a new year to get things together since 2011 was not that awesome. If I could have embraced the new year, I would have. I remember that on the eve of New Year, I was jumping up and down while singing Firework. I had so much hope that 2012 would be an easy year to get through. Little did I know that 2012 would be the year when all sorts of relationships I had with people would be severely tested. It started in January when my closest friend, who calls me her soul sister (or something like that), and I called it quits. Although we had agreed to continue being civil with each other, it was really hard to accept that we had given up on our friendship. This caused another major mess up with a guy friend who was caught in the middle of things.
 

February

By February I had blue hair. And I was wearing a wig to school every day. My mom freaked out about this and did not let me go home to the hills for around one or two weekends. It was a rather amusing punishment, really. One Monday, I cut classes and took a bus to Las Pinas from Makati. Isha had invited me over to her house and I willingly went. Commuting to her place was a terrifying experience since I do not know how to commute and I cannot really understand Filipino. Yet that experience made me stronger. I now know that though I am terrified of doing something new, I can do it. February was the month I learned that a person does not need to depend on anyone else except himself. Yes, I still was not talking to my closest friends.
 

March

March is a month I just want to forget about if I could. If I could have killed the people who gave me chicken pox, I would have done it a long time ago. I can't. They're three little kids who are the kids of my cousin. Because of this chicken pox, I was not able to attend my cousin's wedding in Bacolod, I got grades that could have been higher and I did not want to show my face to anyone. Because I did not want anyone to see me, I did not enroll in summer classes which I really should have taken since I am an irregular student. Oh, I also had my dad cut my hair out of anger and pain. Yeah, my hair kept going on the pox and making it hurt like hell. The first time I saw my face with all those scars was the first time I cried over how ugly I looked. I still get really angry whenever I see the scars on my face. Oh well. 

April

Apparently, Leo should take credit for a lot of things. I cannot remember how it happened exactly, but Leo wanted a pizza party and he invited Jani along.  Something like that. Oh yes, Jani and I were the ones fighting in January and did not talk until April. Anyway, it was a hilarious meet up because Jani and I ended up going to Taguig to see the Holy Week blah there. After Taguig, we saw Leo and promptly dragged him with us to see another friend. Yet it was because of that meet up that we decided to go to the orphanage the next week. And then the week after, we all went to see Planet Shakers. I felt that April was the month when things were falling back into place again. I had my friends back. I could do anything!

 

May

More orphanage visits! I also went to camp that month. For some reason, I just did not want to go to camp last year. Church camp. My mom wanted me to go. My dad ended up coming along with me and having more fun than me. Yeah, the camp was for kids, teens and adults. I actually am scared of camps. I hate having to sleep with strangers in a room. I also hate how close I get with the participants, but right after camp we choose to ignore each other during church service. Like what the freak was that all about? So I went through camp. My camp friends and I even got an award for being super-friends or something like that. And then after that camp. . .
 

June

Back on Facebook! And back to school, baby! I was overjoyed when I was finally put in a block. Although it was pretty hard to learn their names, 2B2 stopped me from hating college and cursing the fact that I was a transferee. I swear, when the registrar told me that I was in a block, I wanted to hug her. But I didn't because she tends to be mean to people! What else happened in June? Camille begged me to be in her photo shoot. I told her she could use my house. Cannot say that I had a swell time, but I missed taking pictures. Heck, the last time I posed was when I was still into Flickr. Too bad I cannot find my way into Flickr anymore. 

July

I cannot think of anything great that happened this month. I shall just go on and on that Char is awesome. We became friends because of her alcohol and political science. We are friends because she's crazy! But really, she is also the reason why I finally got to know more people in college, why I always went to class and why I am always eating. We call each other Bud. We love lasagna. And we're planning a lasagna party. No, strangers are not invited. This is making me hungry.
 

August

Monsoon rain. It was raining for one whole week. There was no storm, but it was just some monsoon rain. I was in the city while my parents were in the hills. Classes were cancelled for a week. Exams were moved. People were panicking. I was glued to the news. Mom was worried about all her kids in the city. All mom's kids in the city were worried about her. I kept checking if my friends were still alive. It was a really gloomy week. By the time the monsoon rains stopped, it was Ada's birthday! My mom and dad were able to come pick me up in the city. And we all had pizza and pasta for Ada. The sun was shining and all seemed right in the world. =)) 

 
September

So I watched Phantom of the Opera. My parents added to my collection of Mr. Potato Head minions. Had tons of lasagna. School work was piling up because finals were coming. No written exams meant more work. I was rushed to the hospital for gastritis. And I somehow found time to visit the orphanage! This visit was memorable because the children bugged me to bring Leo along and because I was able to drag new people with me to the orphanage. Corina and my three college friends were there! That was pretty cool.  And after those few hours of having fun with the children, I was back to finishing projects, doing voice overs, editing videos, asking people if I could interview them, writing paper I knew nothing about and finding time to chat with friends. 

October

Maybe Miss de Villa gave us that paper in September. I cannot remember anymore. I just know that when I got that paper, I wanted to call Char right away. She was my partner for our project in Journalism and I needed to tell her the good news. When I got my final grade for Journalism, I remember wanting to ask Miss de Villa what I did to deserve that grade. Until now, I still don't know why she gave me a high grade when I felt that I deserved a crappy one. Spent my school break in the hills for three weeks without Internet. I need to say this because this is a big deal for me. By this time, Inna and I were already talking and texting. I am not sure when she contacted me after about a year of not speaking to each other. And during the break, Inna and I went to UST to do some stuff in her school. 
 

November

And happy birthday Jani! Started the month by celebrating Jani's birthday, catching up on odd happenings in our lives, watching the first six episodes of Full House and flying sky lanterns. We also ate that unlimited cake which did not taste that good and had too much coffee. The second semester started and I was in a totally annoyed mood with college. Spent three days in line to enroll. Hated most of my professors. (Still hate most of them!) Got really bored with church. Got to be friends with another awesome person, Mina. Felt like eating sushi every day. Almost ended up in Singapore. Realized that second semester is so short. Encouraged all my friends who were doing their thesis and their defense. Wanted to cry each time I remembered that I am graduating in 2015. Damn. 

December

Let's see. Maybe I'll do another post all about Christmas, but last Christmas was great! Went to so many family reunions. Had to see a ton of friends. Spent so much money. Opened lots of gifts. Ate so much I feel fat. And blah blah blah. Christmas was happy until I found out that that might have been the last Christmas my grandfather would ever see. And so I ended and started my year on a somber note. No, I still am full of hope for 2013. But knowing that Lolo is weak and frail brings me back to the reality that my time on earth is limited so I should make it count. 


{Such a random year end blah blah.}

Conversation

The conversation began with him asking me a loaded question.

'Are you happy for me?' he asked.

My mind froze for a few seconds. In those few seconds, I had thought of an answer which was not exactly the truth but which was not exactly a lie either. It was somewhere in between truth and falseness. Maybe you can say that I gave that answer to try to convince myself that I actually believed in the words that came out of my mouth. In fact, I believed in the words of The Click Five song that goes, 'If I say it like I mean it then maybe I'll believe it like it's true.' Screw that belief.

'Am courting her already!' he exclaimed.

I had dreaded the time that sentence would leave his lips. And it had finally happened. My whole face was smiling, but something in me was scowling the biggest scowl which no one would ever see because I would never show them. And then that sinking feeling came over me. At that time, I refused to admit that it was regret, but I think that that was exactly what it was: Regret. It was regret in its purest and undiluted form. It was regret because he had asked me out before and I casually turned him down.

It was the most perfect form of jealousy which could make a person plan evil plans and think evil thoughts. It was the jealousy that had so many questions. Who was this girl that could just make him so brave to ask her out? What was so great about her anyway? When the hell did this all start? Why did I not see this coming? So how did this all happen? Please. I need details.

It was blame. It was the worst kind of blame because I had no one else to accuse except myself. I knew exactly what my friends would say when I finally mustered the courage to say that he and I would never end up together. They would say, 'Why did you not tell him that you liked him?' It would always be my fault. And I would just have to live with the fact that I was the one to be blamed. What a shitty feeling.

'So Anna, you gotta be happy for me!'

How can I be happy for him while he is fooling around with some girl and all I want to do is keep him to myself? Those people who say that they are happy as long as the person they love is happy are just fooling themselves! You can only be happy if you share in the person's happiness. I did not. While he was happy, I was plain angry. So maybe it is true when they say that a person's happiness is always at the expense of another person.

I had a choice. I could say that I was so happy that he finally was courting her just to end the disheartening conversation. Or I could say that I was not happy at all for him which would eventually lead to him asking why. Thus prolonging the conversation on a topic I hated. Both answers were true. Both answers were false. Both answers were doubtful.

'Yeah, am happy for you!' I answered.

That was the end of the conversation.

Thanks!

 I just want to say thanks.

I want to show my gratitude to all those people who have not been there for me when I needed them the most. They were either too busy with school, homework,  their boyfriend or girlfriend, their dead pet or some random crap of an excuse. Other times, those people were not busy at all but just found a reason to be busy as soon as I said, 'Hey, I really need to cry right now. Care to listen?' Their reasons ranged from hilarious to downright outrageous sometimes. More often than not, I did not give a damn to point out that I knew they were lying to my face. I mean, why bother? Why force them to listen to my random vents and rants anyway?

So I thank you for allowing me to experience crying myself to sleep which just happens to be so overrated. Oh yes, I have also tried running out of a classroom and into a toilet just to cry because I knew no one for one whole semester. (Fine, I knew exactly one person.) I have climbed up on the roof of the house which overlooks a major highway and with tears streaming down my face, I yelled into the street which contained cars whose windows were shut tight. The hilarious thing was, you may not have heard my cry, but you saw it and did nothing.

Let me remind you of those times when we actually met up, but you never gave me time to bring up what was bothering me. Yes, you kept asking me and begging me to tell you how my life was. I could not even get my sentence finished for you kept butting in with a story about your sisters, how to make awesome tasting cupcakes, explanations of why your band is hot and on and on and on. So for so many long hours, I shut up and listened to you and your own travails. Not that I was unhappy listening to your triumphs and failures, but once in a blue moon, could you by any chance listen to mine?

Thank you for making me look like a good friend. They say that in any kind of relationship, there is always someone who does more than the other. Well, sometimes can you be that someone who does more than the other? It's getting really tiring to always pay for your food, check your essays for class, go all the way to where you live while you never come out to where I am staying and just going the extra mile. It seems that without the effort I have been putting into this messed up relationship of ours, it would just crumble and fall. Maybe one day I should let it. 

And yet I also recognize the fact that you have made me stronger. Without all the crap you have been giving me, you made me realize that the saying, 'No man is an island' may actually be false in some ways. You made me come to the realization that I do not need you or anyone else to survive. I do not need a person to see me cry, hear me cry, dry my tears and pat my back while saying, 'You'll make it through this really horrible professor you have in class.' Because of you, the little things have stopped bothering me so much. I have become my own person who does not necessarily depend on other people for her own happiness. I have found out that I do not need to vent to others so that my own problems can be solved. I can do it by myself.

Also, you made me find friends in low places. I found people I did not think would be there for me when I needed someone terribly. I never thought I would be friends with a person who did not enjoy the things I enjoyed, but I am friends with a person like that. Your never being there provoked me to seek out new people and new adventures that would not have happened if you did not always abandon me. I have learned a little more Filipino (Tagalog) by interacting more with people who are not so fluent in english. I have gone around Manila by taking public transportation which would not have happened if you were around. Thank you for making this happen!

So although I thought I needed you during my hard times, I was wrong. The only thing I needed was for you to walk in and out of my life in order for things to fall into place. I just had to lack some people in my life for more people to come along, not to fill the void but to make the void look so small that it did not matter any more. 

And for all of the consequences, good and bad, that our friendship caused, I thank you. 

Under Construction

Ada woke her daddy up one morning saying, 'Daddy, my smile is under construction!'

And what a weird kind of construction it is! In the span of about two months, she has lost five to six teeth. (Yes, I am too lazy to stand up and ask Ada exactly how many teeth she lost.) Is that even normal? Losing that many teeth in a short period of time? Who cares. She looks funny. She looks cute. She looks like a Halloween pumpkin. She looks like someone who needs fake teeth. She looks like she has a hard time eating without teeth. She looks like me when I was seven years old my guy friend boxed my tooth off. She looks like she is growing up.

For kids, growing up is when they lose teeth, get taller, gain weight or lose weight. They make friends and enemies. They get into stupid fights over pens and paper and books. They start throwing away clothes that do not fit them or they pass their clothes on to their younger brother or sister. They say that people stop growing when they hit a certain age. Eighteen? Nineteen? Twenty? Twenty-one? I really need to get my facts straight next time. But for now, just know that people stop growing when they reach *insert age here.* Wait. Do we really stop growing?

I know I have not gotten any taller since I was nine years old. My weight plays around with the numbers and goes from a hundred pounds to my fat weight which is a hundred ten pounds. My feet have stopped growing. Thank God! I can still wear some of my rotten clothes from high school. So I think it is safe to assume that no matter what medicine I take I will never get taller. I can try to go on a diet, but I will never go back to what I used to weigh in grade school. And it does not matter what kind of shoes I use because my feet will not shrink. Shoot. Yes, I stopped growing. On the other hand, I know that I still am growing.

Expanding. Unfinished. Work in progress. I know this whenever I have had a hard day in school and I just want to forget all about it by drowning myself in chips. I feel this when my dad asks, 'How come you only got a one point five in this subject?' I hear this when people around me laud me when I do something they deem interesting. I perceive this when I see people's questioning looks when I fail or do not exert enough effort. I notice this when I start to doubt myself, my abilities and my beliefs. I get it a lot when my mom reminds me that every decision has a consequence, when my brother asks me how my day is, when my sister in law grants me some wisdom and when the three little kids prank me. I get it. I get it, okay?

In truth, we all are under some sort of construction for as long as we are alive. We may never grow taller or get thinner, but we are all under this force that makes us develop. Hopefully we develop for the better. The only problem with this force that pushes us to grow is that no one really sees it while it is happening. They only notice the output of the growing when a long period of time has already passed. By then, it is already too late for them to either take back what they said or add on to what they have already spoken. And so during that long period of time of developing and growing and wandering around, the person begins to let the noise of the world affect their ideas of themselves. They entertain ideas that they are not good enough, they will never be able to write or nothing good will ever come out of their life. 

The thing is, the person on the journey knows that he is getting to where he is supposed to be, but those around him do not. And that is when those random people judge and criticize and say dumb things. And that is also when the person asks, 'Am I really supposed to be a writer? Can I really get through this horrible professor? Will I ever learn how to commute?' Yet it is also those doubts that force the person to exert so much effort to get to his goal or be the person he wants to be to prove others wrong. For if no one doubts and they all just believe, nothing has to be proven and the person never grows. Such confusing thoughts!

When I came home this afternoon, Ada greeted me with her odd smile. I looked at her and thought, 'Heck, if I have the opportunity to get a tattoo one day, I will make her words permanent on my skin.' I do not really care if other people have those words on their bodies already. But I just need those words somewhere where I can see it always. That way it will serve as a constant prompting that I am not finished. The people around me are also unfinished. We all are. And we are trying hard to finish up ourselves. We are under construction.