Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Earphones and Fishes

I take my earphones off to give my ears some sort of needed rest.

My parents tell me that I'm ruining my ears by listening to music that is directly blasted into these little holes on the side of my head. Honestly, I'd rather ruin my ears than hear what the world has to say about life. I usually find myself feeding music into my ears when I'm in the car heading for somewhere. I like turning the volume really high and ignoring the noise that the world has to offer. 

This afternoon, my parents decided to do some grocery shopping. I decided to go along with them. Grabbed my earphones and jumped into the car. As soon as I sat down, I played some music. In my head, I was singing along to the song Love Like Woe but you wouldn't know that 'cause my face told everyone that I was bored with life. I saw my parents talking. I guessed that they were discussing something that had to do with the upcoming trip to the province. I'm not interested in that kind of talk.

Mom made a gesture that meant  please-take-your-earphones-off-we're-trying-to-have-a-conversation. Against my wishes, I pulled my earphones out of my ears and paused the song that was playing. Oh yeah, they were talking about the trip to the province. All mom could think of saying was, 'Why do you always listen to music in the car?' I wasn't in the mood to explain so I just shrugged my shoulders and looked out the window.

They were talking about the trip to the province again. I tried sounding interested in their conversation. Instead of getting my parents to answer my questions about the trip, I think I just annoyed them with my pretend interest in their conversation. I think that's one of my gifts. I get people so annoyed with me that I actually have grown to love the fact that people find me irritating. It's also one good way to make sure that no one gets close enough to me.

The car stopped. We all got out. Turns out we had to buy gas for the stove or something like that. While papa was talking to the guy, mom was busy going on and on about something. When my earphones aren't in my ears sending music up to my brain, I have learned how to mute whatever other people have to tell me. When I decided to listen to what mom was going on and on about, I realized that she was ranting about my hair.

'You have to dye your hair back to black and get rid of the red color!' she yelled. Why do I have to dye my hair back to black? She continued by saying, 'Your interview is this Saturday. It's a very conservative school. You know that.' Boy, do I ever know that! 'You're going to shock the people there,' she reasoned. Don't I go around shocking everyone I meet? If they don't want to get me in because they judge people by their hair color, then I dunno what kind of standard they have in that place. It's not like I'll dye my hair black just to get accepted.

Got back into the car. We were on our way to the place where we have our laundry done. I kept trying to push my earphones into my ears, but my parents kept talking to me about weird things. They kept trying to include me in their conversation. Being the trying-to-be-good daughter that I am, I just nodded my head, smiled and pretended to be listening. Of course, I was having my own made up conversations with myself in my head. 

The car stopped. Papa got the laundry from the back of the car and brought it down. Mom started talking again. This time she chose to talk about boys, love, friend and regrets. I knew better than to engage in conversation with her about those topics. I went along with what she said and just let her talk. Sometimes, I just let her talk. She doesn't really need someone to talk to. She just needs to talk.

Mom was saying something like, 'There are so many fish in the sea. Why are you guys rushing to catch the wrong one?' I had no heart to tell her that we don't catch the wrong fish. We catch the right fish and it just loses its 'rightness.' No one catches the wrong fish. It's right for that specific moment. If it goes bad, just toss it into the sea and try to catch another one. 

By the time we made it to the grocery store, I just wanted to shut everyone up. Mom was going on and on about my red hair. Papa kept asking me about what I wanted to do in the province. They all had their own ideas about how to answer some stupid forms that they have to send in before the month ends. Sometimes I wish that parents would just shut up. Kids like me don't need to hear everything they talk about. I don't always want to be included in their conversation.

And then I realized why I stick earphones into my ears. I get so tired with life. Sometimes I want to escape living. For a few hours a day, I'd like to think that people are okay with my red hair, that my parents have forgotten my failures and that we all get along with each other. By ignoring the noise of the world, I can hear the noise in my head and make some sense out of it. I've learned that it's easier to fix up your life than try to fix the life of another person. So instead of yelling at my parents and telling them to shut up, I'll just play along and pretend that I'm listening. Hell, I'm listening. I just don't show it.

But for now, since they aren't looking, I'll get my earphones and try to catch another fish.

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