Saturday, May 11, 2013


I honestly don't know how to start this because I don't know how this started. 

There is no date to celebrate. There is no specific time or moment when the feelings started to creep in. There is nothing to look back to that will ever prove that any of this even happened. And maybe that's the problem with this whole I-don't-know-what-to-call-it-relationship. It was built on nothing. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe it is nothing. Yet if this was all nothing, why does it suck? Why does it - excuse my fucked up term - hurt? Why do I feel that this is just another break up altogether?

Perhaps there was something after all. It wasn't love. I'm sure of that. It was a mutual respect and admiration of each other that led us to this nothingness. Trust was involved too which was broken month after month after month. Lies existed to cover up a multitude of hurt that came about from lies also. Happiness was sporadic, but we both lived for those precious moments. Fighting was our language through which we communicated with a passion. There were no rules. Anything was possible! 

And that "anything" happened. You got drunk. I got drunk. You flirted with other girls. I got drunk because you flirted with other girls. I smoked. You got mad. I said you had no right to be because you didn't own me. You shut up because you knew I was correct. I cursed you. You cursed me. My curses had no effect on you. Your curses to me scarred me for life. You stayed. I left. You didn't call me back. I kept on hoping you would. I said sorry. A lot. You always just accepted it. My pride got in the way. Your pride blocked the way. We refused to give way. I hoped. I hoped too much. You made me believe that I had something to hope for.
Finally, I came to my senses and threw nothing down the drain because I had nothing to throw away to begin with. There was no us to tear apart. There was no date to forget every month. There were no text messages to delete or chats to regret. A relationship status change was not necessary which meant that no questions were asked. No questions will ever be asked. There are no pictures of us up on the Internet that have to be taken down. There was nothing. There is nothing.

So what was that all about? If nothing took place and there was no relationship, what should I be feeling right now? If this was the usual break up scenario, you'd see me walking around like a zombie for days and I'd be listening to The Script. Yet this is not the usual, normal break up. This is not a break up. I did not lose anything, but I feel that I left something behind. Mixed and messed up feelings that should not even be felt are strangling my soul. Fuck. I need to wake up from this bad dream.

As I try my best to piece together some answer that will make myself believe that this was worth it, a friend suddenly opens up to me to share her own story that began with nothing and ends with nothing also. And she asks me for advice while I sit here not knowing what to say or how to deal with her heartache. Her questions remind me of my own situation. My answers to her questions are answers that I need to get into my brain and be convinced by. I don't have the guts to tell her that I can't even follow my own advice. I abruptly stopped replying to her because the emotions that came along with the conversation were too much to handle. I wish her the best though. And i give myself applause for being such a good liar.

I began and will end now with nothing.

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