I Love New Year

Totally late post.

Consceience: 'Forgot all about this already, huh?'
Me: 'I forget things when it's convenient.'
Consceince: 'Gawd. You are insane.'
Me: 'Not as insane as you are.'

I also forget about answers to exam questions, the birthdays of my friends and certain dates people deem important. Some things I will never forget are names of restaurants, brands of hair color, urls of blogs I read, characters in the series I watch and how much money I have in the bank. I'll forget homework, requirements, papers, reports and all those school stuff. But I won't forget the names of those terrible professors who give everyone a hard time. I will forget everything I tweet on Twitter, all those statuses I've made, all the blog entries I've posted and all those Flickr pictures I uploaded. Yet I will never forget my passwords. Seriously.

Consceince: 'Any New Year's resolutions?'
Me: 'I have one which I am trying to keep.'
Consceince: 'I doubt you'll be able to do that.'
Me: 'Wanna bet?'

Three People

Conscience: 'You lost her.'
Me: 'And your point?'
Conscience: 'Your failure.'
Me: 'And then?'

I have been laughing about this for the past three weeks. And then I started some serious crying last Sunday.  It still pains me each time I am reminded that I lost her, but it is comforting to know that this was not my choice. I am just suffering from the effects of her decision. Though it pains me a whole lot to walk away and let things be, I am doing it because it's such a waste of time to fix things when the other person has just given up on the friendship, on me and on herself. I have no idea if we will one day find the courage to speak about this or even try to fix what should be fixed. Even if she fixed it by ending things, nothing is really fixed. It's still there. And will always be there. At least until one of us wants to talk about it.


It's hilarious how someone can make such an impact in your life. And you only realize that they played such a big part when they are gone or when they aren't there to listen to you. Now that she's gone, I cannot believe how much of myself I shared with her. Maybe that's why I find this situation so funny. I expect relationships to end, but I always expect friendships to last. Seems that you put more effort into a friendship than a relationship. When it's a relationship, there's always this this-is-just-a-guy/girl-and-i-can-always-dump-the-person. But when it's a friendship, it's hard to just walk away because no one can ever replace that person.


And now that she's gone, I do regret some things. But what's the use? It's over. 

Thoughts About A Eulogy and Life

I want you to do my eulogy.

We've always had this idea of having a living funeral. We got the idea from a book you lent me. Tuesdays With Morrie. The whole idea was to gather a bunch of people and then write a eulogy for each other. What's the use of having people do a eulogy for you when you're dead and cannot hear them praise you or compliment you? But then if we had a living funeral, I don't think that people would be as open as they are when it's a real funeral and they give a real eulogy. 


I was in my creative writing class last Tuesday when the professor asked us to write ourselves a eulogy. We had to pretend that we were writing from the point of view of our best friend. I sat there wondering who would do my eulogy. As of the moment, we are not on speaking terms. Everyone else was writing and their yellow pad paper was full of words. And mine had nothing.


If I died today and someone asked you to do my eulogy, I think this is what you'd say.


Ate Anna was aloof.

She didn't have many friends. In fact, if you checked her phone-book, you'd see that she had less than thirty contacts.  She regularly messaged only ten of those contacts. I just so happened to be one of those people. Flooding my inbox with lyrics from songs, quotes from books, lines from movies and series, stupid jokes and lots of nonsense was her pastime. And if I did not choose to reply, she would send more text messages. Friends who would check my inbox always thought that this person named Anna was my girlfriend or something.


When Ate Anna still had a Facebook, I would constantly post random words or phrases on her wall. She would also do the same. We invented our own language. Ate Anna would add 'z' to her words while I would use letters to stand for words. People who saw our conversation would not know what we were talking about. And though she deactivated her Facebook, we continued bugging each other on YM and Twitter and so many other sites. Her close friends missed her presence in the online world though. Her witty status updates were gone. Her sarcastic comments were hidden. And the lovely way she would annoy people she hated became a thing of the past.

She often bragged about her ability to distance herself from people and events that drained her. When people walked out of her life, she would announce to the whole world that she didn't give a damn. Her words. Not mine. And yet late at night she would bug me saying, 'Am crying so bad 'cause I miss her. And I think it's my fault that we fought.' No one really thought that ate Anna had the capacity to feel and cry and grieve for things and people she lost along the way.  She had perfected the art of not showing her true feeling in front of everyone. She had put on so many masks that one would have to know her so well to know if she was pretending or if that was the real her.


I knew the real ate Anna. She always told people that in reality she wasn't as strong as she made people believe she was. She claimed to be so weak and that she got her strength from her faith. Part of that is true, but I think that she is still strong even if she says otherwise. She's the first to apologize but the last to forgive. She's the first to judge but the last to accept. She's the first to shut up and the last to speak. She's the first to let go and has the last laugh. She is the first to criticize but the last to accept defeat.


You'd often find her in crazy situations. They were normal situations which she managed to turn into amusing scenarios. Wherever we went, people would stare at us 'cause of ate Anna's outlandish behavior. She'd be dancing around instead of walking. She'd sing her words instead of sticking to the normal way of talking to people. And her hands flew all over the place as she made kwento about her latest book, the newest series, the most hilarious person, an awkward instance, a guy she was into and her favorite food. I knew exactly what she thought of a certain person or a thing just by looking at her eyes. If she rolled them, she was totally annoyed with them. If she stared, that meant that she found something weird with the person. If her eyes lit up, she was interested in the person or the conversation.


If someone ever called me up and said that ate Anna was lost, I'd give the person a list of places where they could find her. They could search all the streets and look for a kwek kwek stall. Ask the tindera if a girl consumed Php100 just on kwek kwek. For sure, that would be ate Anna. Go to a bookstore. Check all the aisle. The girl who's sitting on the floor and who looks as if she lives in her own world is ate Anna. If you still cannot find her, she might be at a McDo, a Starbucks, a Japanese restaurant or a place with lots of food. Can't find her? She must have already invented an invisible cloak for herself.


Ate Anna wanted to be invisible. She liked working behind the scenes, yet she often ended up where all could see her. She wanted to fade in the background. She did the work while others took the credit. She did nothing but push us to our limit.

Blue Hair and Wigs

I am waiting for the rain to stop so that I can walk to Landmark and check out a wig.

When mom picked me up from Makati last January 20, she brought along my order of Manic Panic. I was jumping around the street when I saw that my blue dye had finally arrived. Hell, I spent so much for it and I had a right to be happy that I finally had it. I saved all my Christmas money and had to add some more. So to all those people who gave me money last Christmas, you know where all your money went. It went to this blue dye on my hair.

Act Like Friends

It started with pure boredom.


I found myself back in Makati with too many days to waste doing random things. I didn't want to spend the whole time doing papers and reports while rotting at home trying to figure out life. I normally do not hang out with the people from my school. And the people I know are too lazy to come and visit me. They either live too far from this place or are too busy with life to care. Sometimes they just don't feel like it at all.


And so I was teasing my friend that he should come and visit me since he didn't have classes. We've had this long overdue hang out session. The last time we saw each other was in August or maybe September. I cannot remember anymore. Sure, we kept in touch and fought often, stayed up way too late talking non sense and even got ourselves involved in the problems of other people. We have been friends for approximately a year and three months. Yeah, I keep count 'cause we always thought that this friendship wouldn't happen.

The Window

You'll get this if you watch How I Met Your Mother.

She met him while the window was closed.

She walked through the room and he was standing across her. He had a red shirt on. She was wearing a black shirt. She remembers that she prayed to God for him. 'I want him so badly. Would you give him to me? If not him, then maybe a person like him would be nice too,' she prayed. He didn't look like any of the guys she had fallen for in the past. It was his voice that she would never forget. And for around two hours or so, she let herself focus on him and what he was doing and saying and acting out. He was fascinating!

He was introduced to her by her dad. He had this beautiful smile that could only have come from a real joy that he was experiencing. He had an accent that would make one think that he was not from the Philippines. It was as if his eyes could see through minds and hearts and emotions. When he first talked to her, she tried not to look directly into his eyes for she was already falling for him. She hoped that he would not be able to detect a slight change in her voice and actions so that her fascination for him would still be her secret.

Exhausted

I'd just like to remind you how exhausted I am.

I first met Exhaustion when I was a little kid who forgot to take her nap. I'd end up so exhausted and grumpy. I learned never to miss my naps. My next encounter with Exhaustion was in grade school when I stayed up to review for some religion exam the next day. I later learned that that wasn't really Exhaustion. That was just called cramming. The next time I met Exhaustion was when we had to practice everyday for a concert I was dancing in. I know that I had to go to dance practice after school and then dance until twelve midnight. But that's nothing compared to the Exhaustion I feel.

To be exhausted means to be drained of one's physical or mental resources. It means to be very tired. Being exhausted is when you feel so used up. It's is when you are worn out, when you are weary, when you are dead tired or bone tired. Are you ready to drop? Are so totally drained? Are you fatigued? Or are you enervated? Well, I've got news for you. I literally embody the whole essence of being exhausted. I live and breathe exhaustion. Not being exhausted is something that is almost a sin. And just when I think that I can get rid of it, it comes running after me. I have no choice but to give in instead of fighting it and fighting for my rest. I give in because I am too weak to fight it.