Under Construction

Ada woke her daddy up one morning saying, 'Daddy, my smile is under construction!'

And what a weird kind of construction it is! In the span of about two months, she has lost five to six teeth. (Yes, I am too lazy to stand up and ask Ada exactly how many teeth she lost.) Is that even normal? Losing that many teeth in a short period of time? Who cares. She looks funny. She looks cute. She looks like a Halloween pumpkin. She looks like someone who needs fake teeth. She looks like she has a hard time eating without teeth. She looks like me when I was seven years old my guy friend boxed my tooth off. She looks like she is growing up.

For kids, growing up is when they lose teeth, get taller, gain weight or lose weight. They make friends and enemies. They get into stupid fights over pens and paper and books. They start throwing away clothes that do not fit them or they pass their clothes on to their younger brother or sister. They say that people stop growing when they hit a certain age. Eighteen? Nineteen? Twenty? Twenty-one? I really need to get my facts straight next time. But for now, just know that people stop growing when they reach *insert age here.* Wait. Do we really stop growing?

I know I have not gotten any taller since I was nine years old. My weight plays around with the numbers and goes from a hundred pounds to my fat weight which is a hundred ten pounds. My feet have stopped growing. Thank God! I can still wear some of my rotten clothes from high school. So I think it is safe to assume that no matter what medicine I take I will never get taller. I can try to go on a diet, but I will never go back to what I used to weigh in grade school. And it does not matter what kind of shoes I use because my feet will not shrink. Shoot. Yes, I stopped growing. On the other hand, I know that I still am growing.

Expanding. Unfinished. Work in progress. I know this whenever I have had a hard day in school and I just want to forget all about it by drowning myself in chips. I feel this when my dad asks, 'How come you only got a one point five in this subject?' I hear this when people around me laud me when I do something they deem interesting. I perceive this when I see people's questioning looks when I fail or do not exert enough effort. I notice this when I start to doubt myself, my abilities and my beliefs. I get it a lot when my mom reminds me that every decision has a consequence, when my brother asks me how my day is, when my sister in law grants me some wisdom and when the three little kids prank me. I get it. I get it, okay?

In truth, we all are under some sort of construction for as long as we are alive. We may never grow taller or get thinner, but we are all under this force that makes us develop. Hopefully we develop for the better. The only problem with this force that pushes us to grow is that no one really sees it while it is happening. They only notice the output of the growing when a long period of time has already passed. By then, it is already too late for them to either take back what they said or add on to what they have already spoken. And so during that long period of time of developing and growing and wandering around, the person begins to let the noise of the world affect their ideas of themselves. They entertain ideas that they are not good enough, they will never be able to write or nothing good will ever come out of their life. 

The thing is, the person on the journey knows that he is getting to where he is supposed to be, but those around him do not. And that is when those random people judge and criticize and say dumb things. And that is also when the person asks, 'Am I really supposed to be a writer? Can I really get through this horrible professor? Will I ever learn how to commute?' Yet it is also those doubts that force the person to exert so much effort to get to his goal or be the person he wants to be to prove others wrong. For if no one doubts and they all just believe, nothing has to be proven and the person never grows. Such confusing thoughts!

When I came home this afternoon, Ada greeted me with her odd smile. I looked at her and thought, 'Heck, if I have the opportunity to get a tattoo one day, I will make her words permanent on my skin.' I do not really care if other people have those words on their bodies already. But I just need those words somewhere where I can see it always. That way it will serve as a constant prompting that I am not finished. The people around me are also unfinished. We all are. And we are trying hard to finish up ourselves. We are under construction. 
 
 

 
 

Ada is Seven!

August 9, 2012

Happy birthday, Ada!

Last year, when I came to live with my Manong and the rest of the gang, I totally thought that I would not get attached to the kids. I was not close with Ada, Téa and Gusto. Sure, when we would meet up I would play and chat with the kids. But that was all. I was totally freaked out when Mom told me that I had to live with them because my relationship with the kids was based on, well we did not have a relationship. Yet when I saw the smiles of the kids when they found out I was gonna live with them, I knew that we were off to a good start! The kids not only make me laugh, but they actually have made me become aware of tons of things I missed out on life.

 Here are a number of things Ada taught me in my seven months of living with her and the rest of the gang. 

You cannot not care about children no matter how naughty they are. On the second day of my stay with them, I was in the TV room watching some dumb show when I heard Ada run to the kitchen. I thought she was getting some food from the refrigerator, but when when I looked she was trying to climb the cabinets to get some snacks. I almost had a heart attack from fright! I ran to her and she said, 'Tita Anna, you know I need your help. So thanks for coming to my rescue.' 

According to Ada, Lord Voldemort's heart is black. She says that it is black because love does not live in it. And although love does not really come from our heart, Ada reminds everyone to let love live in it. When Téa and Gusto fight, she says in her singsong voice, 'Fighting means you have a black heart and love does not live in it!' And when Ada cries herself into a fit because of this and that, we remind her that for love to live in her heart she must not be angry at so and so. She stops crying after that. 

Ada just loves Les Misérables! She knows all the songs and can sing all of them well. She can go on and on about Cosette and Fantine and all those other confusing French names. One song talks about dreams being put to death. I have known that song for a long time already, but I never really thought about the words.'Have your dreams ever been put to death?' Ada asked me one day. Without waiting for my response, she said, 'Don't ever let anyone put your dreams to death Tita Anna!' 

You have got to read, read, read and read some more! It does not matter if you are brushing your teeth, eating lunch, pretending to watch TV, walking in the mall, taking a bath, doing your school requirements or playing in the park. You have just got to read! And do not just read those fiction books. Read those books with tons of facts! Like an almanac or an encyclopedia. Do research about new animals, new technology, concepts of science you do not understand and anything else you can think of. Read a book to younger children. They love it. Recommend good books to your friends. Spend your recess and lunch breaks in the library. Borrow books. Get your Greek, Roman and Norse mythology straight! Ada does all these things. 

I think the last and the most important thing Ada made me realize was that I really had to smile more. That was a wake up call to me to find joy in everything that I did, to find reasons to be happy when the situation was tough and to share smiles even with people who were mean to me. What shocked me was that she was so honest and so sincere when she told me that I had to smile more. She really meant it. And yet she did not and still does not realize how her simple words made an impact in my life. 

The Naked Barbies

July 21, 2012.


There was a bagyo (storm) that day.


The kids woke me up so early even though it was a Saturday. I had forgotten that their idea of a well spent Saturday was waking up early so they had more hours to play. No amount of explaining that I had slept at 2AM that morning would make them stop bugging me to wake up. I tried sleeping in the living room, but Ada and Téa followed me to the sala and started singing Firework. I decided to eat breakfast and told them that if I passed out on the floor not to wake me up. After breakfast, they somehow forgot to bug me, but I had already gotten over my lack of sleep. 


I remembered that a few days before that rainy Saturday, I was forced to play with naked Barbie dolls. Téa did not seem to mind that the Barbies we were playing with were all naked. But I found them so disturbing! The whole time I was playing with her, my mind kept saying, 'Cover up their freaking bodies!' I guess I am used to seeing Barbies with clothes and the only dolls that are fine when naked are real dolls. But Barbies? They look disturbing when they don't have clothes on.  They look like they just had sex or they just came out of their bath. My brain kept thinking, 'How gross is that? Téa looks like she's playing with a Barbie that just had sex with Ken.' What a thought. 

My friend's dad, Tito Mar, saw my post earlier that week on Facebook and suggested that I cover up the Barbies by putting band aids on them or by wrapping them in plastic. And I kinda did that. I went around the house looking for any kind of plastic I could use. I begged the yayas to give me old plastic bags that were clean. I grabbed the kitchen scissors and went to work on the floor of the TV room. My original plan was to just make one dress for the Barbie that Ada and  Téa  let me use. I had no intention of making plastic dresses for the other Barbies. But then, the kids saw what I was doing.

Ada: 'Uhm, what's that Tita Anna?'   

Me: 'Am making a plastic dress for my Barbie.' 

Téa: 'Let me get my Barbie. You have to make one for her too.' 

Ada: 'Mine also! She needs clothes too! Wait!'

And that is how I ended up making three plastic dresses. 

Boy, was it ever tedious! Cutting little strips of plastic, making sure the plastic stays in place and getting the plastic to cooperate with the design in my head took up so much time. Every five minutes, the girls would come by to ask me if I was done with the dresses for the Barbies. And I would be like, 'I just started! Come back later.' They would forget about it for some time, but when they remembered they were back to bugging me to work faster. The yayas thought that it was the most brilliant thing! Yaya Cora kept on checking up on me to bring me more colored plastic. I had to tell her to stop bringing me plastic because I was drowning in supplies. The news about me making plastic dresses for the Barbie dolls reached the bedroom where my Manong and Manang were. Manang Rina came out and was like, 'Anna, that is so funny!'


It was so funny! I spent half a day making three plastic dresses. I was so dizzy by the time I finished making those dresses. Ada and Téa decided to have a Barbie fashion show. I made the stupid mistake of saying, 'But only three Barbie dolls have plastic dressed. What will the others wear?' I am now commissioned to make more plastic dresses for the other Barbies until my friend Jani can hopefully find her stash of Barbie clothes. Ada and Téa promise that if I make more clothes for their Barbies they will repay my kindness with lots of kisses and hugs. Sounds like a good bargain!

I Think You Should Smile More

Ada thinks I should smile more.


A few nights back, Ada and I were in the TV room not watching TV. She was playing some random game on the iPad and I was watching Friends on my Mac. Every now and then she would pause whatever she was playing, call me over to her side of the room and show me some interesting or funny thing that just happened in her game. I would also show her some funny pictures about Greek mythology and Percy Jackson and Hey Arnold. Every five minutes, we found ourselves looking at the TV, asking each other what was happening in Phineas and Ferb and then howling at their silly contraptions. That went on for about an hour or so. And then out of the blue, Ada gives me her words of wisdom. 



Ada: 'You know tita Anna, I think you should smile more.'
Me: 'Huh? Ada, I am happy. I smile.'
Ada: 'You only smile in pictures. You have to smile more.'
Me: 'What on earth?'
Ada: 'Try it! It's fun!'



And just like that she went back to being a kid and to her game and I tried to focus on watching Friends. But I could not get myself to concentrate on watching that old show because of what Ada had just said. You know how some person says some random thing and you end up thinking about it for a long time? And I hate it when people make me think because that usually means that I am looking for a loophole in the truth that they just told me which I do not want to accept as true. I was searching my brain for some reason or excuse I could use to explain to Ada why she could never catch me smiling. I wanted to explain to her that happiness is not just expressed in smiles, but can be expressed in many other ways also. And smiling does not necessarily mean that the person is happy or joyful or merry. I was ready to set the record straight with Ada, but it was dinner time.


That night, I started analyzing what she said. Ada had said, 'I think you should smile more.' My Mac's dictionary said that smiling is to form one's features into a pleased, kind or amusing expression. Normally this means that the corners of a person's mouth is turned up and the person's teeth are showing. People who have ugly teeth or who look hilarious when their teeth show, smile with their mouths closed and their lips make the shape of a banana. For me, smiling is to look cheerful, happy, glad, contended, pleased and all other words that are not associated with being sad. Weird because I replied by saying, 'I am happy. I smile.' I realized that Ada was not trying to get me to be happy. She was not asking me if I was happy or not. She did not imply that I was unhappy nor did she want me to fake happiness. Ada simply wanted me to smile more. She wanted me to look happy. She wanted me to give people a look of happiness. Just a look of happiness. Look. Expression. Appearance. Facade. Look happy by smiling. Change your expression to a smiling one. Appear happy. Put on a facade of happiness. 


That sounded so familiar. It was what mom had told me years ago when I was only a little girl. Mom had told me that as soon as I leave the house, I had to smile like I meant it. And I live by that. No, I do not think that I am being fake. I would like to think that by putting a smile on my face even if I did not feel like smiling or feel happy, I would come to believe that I really was merry. It is only proper not to let the whole world know the problems I may be facing. It is only right to keep my sadness to myself. And it would be rude, to go around with an angry expression on my face that would just destroy the day of the people I interact with. Keep that smile on your face. Keep your problems to yourself. Keep your poise. 


But I wondered, is it possible to smile and really mean it? Is is possible to smile because you are happy? My friend, Jhamz, told me about a week ago that she had changed her perspective in life. I was laughing so bad because that seemed so deep. She calls her new perspective in life, 'Being Happy.' I told her that I would try to do that. But at the back of my head I was like, 'This is so stupid!' Yet after what Ada said, I thought to myself, 'Heck, Anna! Enough is enough! It is time to be happy. Really happy.' I noticed people think that you have to get to some stage in life in which you can smile and be happy. You gotta have a boyfriend , a Mac, a thin body, a new phone, a lot of money and on and on and on.But no, you never get to a point where smiling and happiness comes naturally. It is a conscious decision. It really is a change of perspective. It means knowing the hardships you are going through, yet choosing to overcome them by finding the good in the situation. Maybe that's what Ada meant. Maybe that's what mom had been trying to tell me since I was a little girl. 


Now smiling for me means so much more than just attempting to hide painful things or putting on a facade of happiness. It means a change of perspective and a new way of thinking. It means choosing to see the good in a person you just really want to kill at the moment. It means not freaking out when you find out that you've got five majors this semester and have to get a grade higher than 2.5 (85). It means not panicking when you realize that you have tons of speeches to write, edit and memorize. It means being patient with relationships and not rushing them. It means not getting annoyed when plans do not turn out the way you want them to. It means being respectful to people who may not even deserve your respect. It means looking for a solution or maybe an answer instead of sulking about the difficulty. It means being thankful. It means being grateful. It means having hope. It means clinging on to faith


I think you should smile more! =) 

Show Instead of Tell

Ada, Téa and Gusto,


Mama learned how to play Angry Birds today! 


Finally, after months of arguing with her that the game is fun, she decided to check it out. I do not know where she got the idea that Angry Birds is an angry game. Each time I tried to tell her about it, she would just say, 'No, Anna. It sounds like an angry game. How can something that sounds so angry be fun?' Of course, I would try my best to explain it to her. She would not believe me. So while we were waiting for our lunch at Batangas today, I asked Manong Renzo to let mama play some Angry Birds. And this time, she played.


To get her to somehow understand the game, Manong Renzo explained it in terms of geometry and math and science and school related stuff. On mama's first game, she lost. On her second game, she lost. On her third game, she lost. She just kept on losing, but she kept on playing it also. I dunno how she managed to win, but she did and then she moved on to the next level. I think she played the game the whole time we were waiting for our food. And that was a long time!

Three Balloons

Ada.

As soon as she saw me walking in, she got up from the little table and yelled, 'Tita Anna!' I was trying to get the three balloons through the small door. When I got to the TV room, she was already jumping up and down in anticipation. Yaya Cora said, 'Say hi first to Tita Anna and Mama and Papito.' Of course the excited Ada
could not contain herself. When I finally made my way to the TV room, the first thing she said was, 'Hi Tita Anna! Is that for us?' Duh. Who else would I get the balloons for? I nodded my head while she hugged me while the two other kids looked on.


Originally, I was planning to give her the shark because it was Téa who was into ponies. But then, the Manang Ada had other ideas. She quickly grabbed the string that was attached to the pony balloon. I tried explaining to her that I had planned to give that one to Téa and that she could have the shark. Eventually, Téa just agreed to let Ada have the pony balloon. And once Ada had the pony balloon, she forgot that she was eating lunch and ran out to the living room. I just knew that I had once again messed up her schedule as I always do. Instead of her eating and then doing her Kumon, I had made her so excited! So what did she do with the balloon? Ada danced around the living room while singing one of her made up songs.


Before Ada left for Kumon, she said, 'Tita Anna, I don't want you to leave anymore.' I found it so cute and so adorable that she did not want me to leave. I had not been in Makati for two weeks because I was sick. So I guess she really missed me so much. In fact, every Thursday, I have to remind her that I am leaving for my other house for the weekend. She hates that. And she knows that summer is almost near which means that I will not be with her for around two months. Blame the fact that I totally missed the registration for summer class. I don't know how to tell Ada that for two months I will not be sleeping with her, going to the park with her and giving her baths sometimes. I guess I'll just have to visit her 'cause I'll miss her so much!

I'll Help You Feel Better

Cute little Téa took the photo.

'Tita Anna, I'll help you feel better about losing your best friend. I'll always give you hugs.'

When Do Bloomers Bloom?

Ada: 'When do bloomers bloom?'
Manang Rina: 'Huh? Bloomers are old fashion shorts.'
Ada: 'No, mom! Like the one is Leo the Late Bloomer.'
Me: 'Oh! The book!'

You were asking about bloomers. We were in the car on the way to do the grocery for the week. I'm guessing you read the book before we left for the mall. Or maybe you just remembered it. Am guessing that you really like the book because you were talking about it for a long time. It was nice how we got to have an awesome conversation out of that little story about a late bloomer. It's interesting how you think of things that other humans would just forget about.

Bloomers are some kind of old shorts. No, they aren't a type of flower. It's just a term they use for people who amaze the world with their talents at an early age, at a late age and sometimes never at all. If I remember correctly, Leo the Late Bloomer is about a boy who couldn't do anything right. And then one day, Leo was able to do everything right. He finally bloomed

Ada: 'I am an early bloomer.'
Me: 'How about Tea?'
Ada: 'Almost bloomer.'
Me: 'And Gusto?'
Ada: 'Late bloomer!'

Right now, you think that you are an early bloomer. You think this because you get perfect or almost perfect grades in all your subjects. You think this because you've got a voice that can sustain so many notes. You think this because you talk a mile a minute. Yeah, you sometimes talk in your sleep, too. You think this because you started dancing ballet and because you do well in Kumon. 


But, how do you know if someone has actually bloomed already? Can you say that a person has bloomed because he knows how to write at an early age? Or maybe because he can sing perfectly? I don't think you can tell if a person has bloomed or not until the person has undergone some sort of thing I'd like to call growing-up-pains-and-joys. So are you an early bloomer? I dunno. I think you are constantly blooming.

Ada: 'Is there such a thing as a never bloomer?'
Me: 'Uhm. Yeah. Maybe.'
Ada: 'Like who?'
Me: 'Maybe like the criminals?'

I had this friend. His name was Tonton. He used to live in the States. I think he got into fights and got in conflict with the law. He got sent back here to the Philippines. Tonton had a chance to clean up his act and start over. Instead, he got into drugs, he got into drinking and got into the wrong company. Eventually, he got sent to a mental institute. I think he was fine for a few months so the people let him go. He was free again! He was free again to go back to his drugs. He dd that. One day, he came to the house to ask for help. And I remember him looking so destitute. A few days later, he killed himself.


Maybe I lied a little. Maybe there is no such thing as a never bloomer. Maybe there are just bloomers who bloom for good and bloomers who bloom for bad. I think that my friend Tonton actually bloomed. Yet he bloomed in a way that was not acceptable to society. He bloomed and was good at taking drugs, drinking alcohol, sleeping with girls and stealing. So no, there is no such thing as a never bloomer. Just a person who blooms for the wrong reasons.

Ada: 'I don't want to be a late bloomer!'
Me: 'Why not?'
Ada: ''Cause it'll take too long.'
Me: 'Sometimes being a late bloomer is good.'

It won't kill you to be a late bloomer. Sure, you'll think that you're such a lose and people may tell you that you are one. But sometimes it does the person good. Another we-used-to-be-friends-when-we-were-kids-but-now-it's-just-awkward just bloomed recently.  All his life he failed. He would fail school. He would fail exams. He would fail at relationships. His mom would call my mom and spend hours on the phone crying 'cause she wasn't sure if her son, my we're-kinda-friends, was gonna be able to graduate high school. He got into college and flunked. He got into another college. Changed his course. And now, he's doing great as some kind of musician.


Thing is, what if he bloomed so early that he wouldn't know what to do with his gift? What if he bloomed but he was in the wrong course? What if he bloomed but his parents wouldn't be able to accept him? What if he bloomed but he wasn't ready to deal with his talents? Things happen at the right time, but we think that it's always the wrong time to bloom. Late bloomers aren't late bloomers at all. Early bloomers? No such thing as that. There are only bloomers. We all bloom.

Ada: 'I just don't want to be a late bloomer!'
Me: 'You know what, doesn't matter if you're an early bloomer, an on-time bloomer or a late bloomer.'
Ada: 'It does!'
Me: 'No, as long as you bloom, you'll be fine.'

Little girl, as long as you bloom, you're gonna be fine. 

A Young Adult

Ada: 'How old are you?'
Me: 'Nineteen.'
Ada: 'How come you have nail polish?'
Me: 'Because...'
Ada: 'Because you're a young adult?'

I stared at you for a long time.

Erik Erikson stated that a young adult is a person who is between the age of twenty to forty. An adolescent person however, is between the age of thirteen and nineteen. Google says that opinions and definitions of the term young adult may vary. Based on the definition of Erik Erikson, I am not a young adult yet. I still have ten months to go before I can actually say that I am a young adult. Sorry about that. Assuming that I am a young adult by your standards, I'll just go on and tell you what being a young adult may mean. 

It means going to college. College is like why-on-earth-am-I-here-can't-I-just-skip-to-the-part-where-I-graduate-and-make-the-most-out-of-life?! Half of college is spent wondering why you need those general subjects that you've been having since the day your parents enrolled you in preschool. Most of the time adults will tell you that you need those general subjects because blah blah blah. I mute them when they come up with reasons. The other half of college is spent being stressed out with those requirements that just have to be done.


It means learning to cram. You'll find that it's so much better to sleep when you have a report to do. You might find a boring show so interesting when you have to review for that history exam. You'll find ways to waste your time on purpose just because you don't want to do a certain requirement for a class. Because of that, you'll end up doing a ten page paper in an hour and praying to God that your professor finds it in his heart to pass you in his subject. You need to know how to cram 'cause it'll teach you not to do it again you might just be doing it for many more years.


It means not fixing your room. Unless you're a person who cannot stand mess. You'll find an excuse to leave everything around and not in their proper place. You'll leave your books on the floor, clothes on the bed, papers flying around and you just might find a way to sneak food in without anyone knowing. You might make up excuses like, 'Mom, I get asthma when I clean my room.' Or maybe you might tell the maid, 'I can't clean my room 'cause I'm too tired and my head hurts.' You know, fix your room. You just might find something you need. Or might end up playing some music and dancing and singing all over the place.

It means telling your friends that you're fat and that you're going on a diet. You'll be on that diet of yours for a few days and then you'll give up. Lemme tell you though that you aren't fat. You don't need to go on diets. You don't need to look like a Barbie doll. Heck, no one should look like a Barbie doll! When you start thinking that you're fat, just remember that food is yummy and you will not be able to survive without your favorite food that apparently contains so many calories. 


It means doing something stupid. For me this meant getting five piercings. It also meant dying my hair and getting addicted to hair color. For others, it means getting that I-thought-it-looked-cool-when-I-was-young tattoo. Trust me. Everyone does something so stupid when they're a young adult. Some drink too much and miss exams. Others talk back at teachers and fail a subject or two. Don't be sad if you've done something stupid. You can't undo the past. All you can do is move on and try your best to make do with the present.


It means not taking your family for granted. Sure, you might get into bad fights with your parents or with your siblings, but you'll learn to love them no matter what. You'll need to make time for them even if you've got four papers due on Monday, but just have to go to a family reunion the day before. You'll realize that they're always going to be there for you when you feel like your world is coming to an end. When you feel like crap, they'll cheer you up. Of course, it is their responsibility to say, 'I told you so!' They're the only ones who will love you without expecting anything in return.

It means believing your faith. You'll hear a load of crap about the faith you believe in. People will try to get you out of it. Others may help you grow in it. Just remember that you have to decide for yourself what to believe and what not to believe. Listen to the opinion of other people, but don't let their opinion cause you not to believe in anything.


It means being yourself. A lot of times, young adults let others dictate how they should behave, dress, talk, etc. Some get lured into the wrong group of friends who talk them into being someone they're not. Please don't let anyone tell you who to be and who not to be. Sometimes being yourself means getting into trouble. Sometimes it means standing up for what you believe in. Sometimes it means taking the side of the person who was right all along. Sometimes it means losing a friend. It means not being scared to be you.